i realize i have been out of sorts of the last couple of months, i think a large part of that is some shame, frustration, and disbelief of what was happening all around me and i think that i thought that if i wrote it all down then it was real, it was recorded, it was reality and, frankly, my reality really sucked and i didn't want it to be real. i didn't want my reality to exist and i was so ashamed that i was allowing it to exist and, not just exist, but that i was growing it and facilitating the existence and sustainment of it.
i think sometimes, i take that back, i know that sometimes you get caught in such a rut and it isn't that you want to be with the person you are with, stay where you are, or that you are at all happy where you are, you don't like the way things are, you just don't want them to change. change is scary, change is unpredictable, change is unknown, change is uncertain, change is different, and for all of those reasons, even in the most miserable of circumstances we stay because at the very least it is predictable and it is known.
i knew john would break up with me nearly every day, i knew that the light in my eyes had completely disappeared, i knew that i was completely and utterly unhappy and, that, my thirst for life had completely left me and all that was left was bitterness and anger.
so what did i do to find my thirst to rekindle the light? i have to say before i "list" everything that i did that, for much of it, i did not realize when i was doing it that i was beginning the healing process and i was beginning to get down to the bottom of me. note: i said the bottom of me, not the bottom of why my relationship didn't work, not the bottom of john, not the bottom of anything else.
it started slowly and unconsciously, then i harnessed it and made it my own.
~ i mourned and i grieved. for everyone this is completely different the time, the how, the place, but the key is to allow it to begin and then be in it, know that you are mourning and don't try to avoid it or stop it, live it. i know that might sound somewhat counterintuitive to getting "better," but i assure you that it needs to happen or the rest is just going through the motions. i literally laid on the couch and stared into the abyss for what seemed like eternity. i didn't do anything, i just thought and thought about what happened between john and i, what he did, what i did, how it happened, sometimes i wouldn't think at all i just laid there in my utter sadness. i forced myself to feel the sadness, to honestly hurt and realize the loss. if i can correctly remember, it was two weeks, two weeks of not going out, not drinking, not distracting, not adverting my attention, two weeks of pure sadness.
~ i got off of the couch. you read it, i got off of the couch. i didn't resolve to do any extraordinary feat, i resolved to get off of the couch. i resolved to take a small step to begin healing and recovery. i also slept, went to work, did everything that was necessary to living because, frankly, i already knew how to do all of that and it had to get done.
~ i spent time with my family. people seem to think that you have to be spilling your heart with your friends or family after a breakup, but just the very essence of spending time with your family was the important part. i went to lunch, i went to dinner, i went to their houses and hung out, i had them over, i went places with them. so much of their mere presence was healing, it doesn't have to be cryfest to be healing.
~ i clung to my friends. i went out with them, i had coffee with them, i had cocktails with them, i spent time with them, and when i did feel compelled i talked about how i felt, i asked the questions that they could not answer, but that i needed to verbalize, i did speak down about john, i just spoke, i expressed my loss, my confusion, my pain, my sadness.
~ i allowed myself to backslide. there were times i called, text, emailed john begging for another chance, trying to sell myself to him, trying to convince him to stay, trying to find closure. i think in a sort of way, this had to be done to, i had to give into the crazy a little bit, so that i could find my sanity.
~ i started seeing a therapist. it's not crazy, it's actually the sanest thing you can do. t.a.l.k. about it. don't just get a therapist that is going to listen to you drone on for hour after hour, get a therapist that is going to guide you to healing, get you do to the work, but the thing you have to be ready for is TO DO the work. you're just wasting time and money if you are not willing to work.
~ i decided to do something that i had never done before. for everyone this will be different; the only thing is it has to be difficult, it has to be a challenge, it can't be just visiting a new restaurant, it has to have tangible results. i decided to run a half-marathon in nine weeks time on january 16, 2011. running has always been my nemesis and i wanted to overcome, sort of in a way that if i could overcome and love running, i could overcome my pain and hurt and love my situation.
~ i practice mindfulness. in every moment, i try to be present in it. try it, sit and drink a cup of coffee or tea, don't think of anything else, just the taste, texture of the drink, the feel of the cup in your hand, the way the drink feels traveling down your esophogus. be there, be in that moment. if you can do the coffee mindfulness, you can do mindfulness.
~ lastly, be you. take risks. live. be here.
happiness is not for sale
19. Does money really buy happiness?
No. Because happiness isn't for sale. Many people get tripped up by this one, amassing wealth only to find themselves cycling into a bottomless pit of unsatisfiable yearning. Turns out, joy and misery are not that far apart when it comes to very big wads of cash. Consider the case of a Kentucky couple who won $34 million in 2000. Thrilled to be released from the demands of their boring old jobs, they frittered their fortune away on fancy cars, mansions, all the usual stuff -- losing everything that mattered in the process. They divorced, he died of an alcohol-related illness, and she died alone in her new house just five years after cashing the winning ticket. When it comes to happiness, only people you love, and who love you, can bring it. If you have enough dough to buy yourself a luxurious yacht, but no real friends to sail with, you're sunk.
No. Because happiness isn't for sale. Many people get tripped up by this one, amassing wealth only to find themselves cycling into a bottomless pit of unsatisfiable yearning. Turns out, joy and misery are not that far apart when it comes to very big wads of cash. Consider the case of a Kentucky couple who won $34 million in 2000. Thrilled to be released from the demands of their boring old jobs, they frittered their fortune away on fancy cars, mansions, all the usual stuff -- losing everything that mattered in the process. They divorced, he died of an alcohol-related illness, and she died alone in her new house just five years after cashing the winning ticket. When it comes to happiness, only people you love, and who love you, can bring it. If you have enough dough to buy yourself a luxurious yacht, but no real friends to sail with, you're sunk.
how it could work
1. Can love really last a lifetime?
Absolutely -- but only if you chuck the fairy tale of living happily ever after. A team of scientists recently found that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that last 12 to 18 months. After that, you and your partner are on your own. Relationships require maintenance. Pay a visit to a nursing home if you want to see proof of lasting love. Recently I spoke to a man whose wife of 60 years was suffering from advanced Alzheimer's disease. He came to sit with her every day and hold her hand. "She's been my best friend since high school," he told me. "We made a promise to stick together." Now, that's a love story.
Absolutely -- but only if you chuck the fairy tale of living happily ever after. A team of scientists recently found that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that last 12 to 18 months. After that, you and your partner are on your own. Relationships require maintenance. Pay a visit to a nursing home if you want to see proof of lasting love. Recently I spoke to a man whose wife of 60 years was suffering from advanced Alzheimer's disease. He came to sit with her every day and hold her hand. "She's been my best friend since high school," he told me. "We made a promise to stick together." Now, that's a love story.
a request to john
I realize that I write you long emails, on average, once a week. I apologize for that, I really do. I am in a weird place right now and feel. Oftentimes when I write these emails they go unanswered because of busy schedules and lack of time and I receive abbreviated answers, none at all, or a confusing and foolish act. I know you may think I know that answers, and maybe I do deep inside, maybe I just need to hear them again so I can once again digest them and do my very best to accept them. So here goes…
I don’t really understand what direction we are headed in, friends, moving toward each other, moving further away, to an end, to a potential future? What is it? I keep trying to set boundaries that I am unable to keep and maintain and it dawned on me that I need to come at this from a different angle. I don’t need to make “Turner bans,” I need to work on friendliness, but also being guarded and finding a way to protect and heal a heart that aches for you.
That being said, I do want to tell you, somehow, where I am now. I am still the same Alicia you met two and half years ago, as I was last year, and as I am now, but there are things that are different about me. There are behaviors I have changed and actions that I take to be healthy, mentally and physically. I am doing all of those things that you thought would have “saved” us, and I am not doing them to impress you, I am doing them because I truly want to do them. I truly want to be a good and better mother, I want be at the gym, I love it, although I remain guarded, I enjoy talking and hanging out with my family. There are other things that I have begun to do because I want to, I have friends, I feel bold, I feel good about me, I like me, I am comfortable in my own skin. None of these things are fleeting or temporary, they are real, they are my reality. If those things could have saved us, couldn’t they maintain us and help up thrive now?
On the matter of us, I believe that we have improved. We are supportive and understanding of each other, we show raw emotion, and it isn’t rejected or belittled, but heard, we seem to understand each other more and better. I believe that we should give us another chance. I believe that we should, well, date. Instead of saying that it wasn’t working, we tried, it wasn’t working, take a good and honest look at the progress and differences now, and give what could be the rest of our lives another chance. We can’t go through life allowing our pain and our past dictate how we behave and how we live. I would like to try us again. I believe in us. I believe we might even fall in love with each other again, but in a different and healthy way.
If the above isn’t what you want, isn’t where you are, tell me, even if you think you have told me a dozen times. I’m not going to “ban” you from Turner or from me. I will simply be more cognizant of the things I need to do, the interactions I need to or don’t need to have in order to remain healthy, to grow, to heal, and to find true and real love again. I won’t be mean or spiteful or angry, I will accept. I believe we belong together, I believe we need each other, I believe in us, but the thing about all of that is a relationship isn’t one person’s decision, and one person’s love, feelings, or beliefs can’t change another’s.
I, again, apologize for sending this to you when you are so incredibly busy and tired. I’m sorry. Also, no matter what the response, you are still invited to Shrek, if you can make it.
I don’t really understand what direction we are headed in, friends, moving toward each other, moving further away, to an end, to a potential future? What is it? I keep trying to set boundaries that I am unable to keep and maintain and it dawned on me that I need to come at this from a different angle. I don’t need to make “Turner bans,” I need to work on friendliness, but also being guarded and finding a way to protect and heal a heart that aches for you.
That being said, I do want to tell you, somehow, where I am now. I am still the same Alicia you met two and half years ago, as I was last year, and as I am now, but there are things that are different about me. There are behaviors I have changed and actions that I take to be healthy, mentally and physically. I am doing all of those things that you thought would have “saved” us, and I am not doing them to impress you, I am doing them because I truly want to do them. I truly want to be a good and better mother, I want be at the gym, I love it, although I remain guarded, I enjoy talking and hanging out with my family. There are other things that I have begun to do because I want to, I have friends, I feel bold, I feel good about me, I like me, I am comfortable in my own skin. None of these things are fleeting or temporary, they are real, they are my reality. If those things could have saved us, couldn’t they maintain us and help up thrive now?
On the matter of us, I believe that we have improved. We are supportive and understanding of each other, we show raw emotion, and it isn’t rejected or belittled, but heard, we seem to understand each other more and better. I believe that we should give us another chance. I believe that we should, well, date. Instead of saying that it wasn’t working, we tried, it wasn’t working, take a good and honest look at the progress and differences now, and give what could be the rest of our lives another chance. We can’t go through life allowing our pain and our past dictate how we behave and how we live. I would like to try us again. I believe in us. I believe we might even fall in love with each other again, but in a different and healthy way.
If the above isn’t what you want, isn’t where you are, tell me, even if you think you have told me a dozen times. I’m not going to “ban” you from Turner or from me. I will simply be more cognizant of the things I need to do, the interactions I need to or don’t need to have in order to remain healthy, to grow, to heal, and to find true and real love again. I won’t be mean or spiteful or angry, I will accept. I believe we belong together, I believe we need each other, I believe in us, but the thing about all of that is a relationship isn’t one person’s decision, and one person’s love, feelings, or beliefs can’t change another’s.
I, again, apologize for sending this to you when you are so incredibly busy and tired. I’m sorry. Also, no matter what the response, you are still invited to Shrek, if you can make it.
nightmares and uncertainty
last night i had the worst dream and the worst part about it it seemed like it could be a reality. for whatever reason john and i were at dinner with some people and steve radolinski was there talking about a lisa leonard necklace that i had told him about. john wanted to know when i had told steve about those necklaces, he was livid. i tried to let it go and not talk to him about it and told jen about it, she said she would talk to him, i hadn't heard anything so i went to john's at like 3:30am. he opened the door, i went in and he got back in bed, when i saw a bra on the bed i asked if it was mine, then he shined the light on the other side of his bed and there was jennifer, there she was. they had slept together and he told me "now we're even." I was sobbing, literally sobbing, and all they did was stare at me and do nothing. i started running down the stairs, john started running down the other stairs, he caught me before i could get out of the building and started yelling at me. i woke up sobbing, sobbing and even now, hours later, i haven't been able to shake it and i don't like it very much. i am so angry, and it only adds to everything i feel about last weekend, about john and i not being together.
i want to be with john, i want him to be mine, and if he doesn't want that i need to find a way for the pain to subside. i need to.
i want to be with john, i want him to be mine, and if he doesn't want that i need to find a way for the pain to subside. i need to.
words to live by
we become what we behold...we shape our tools, and thereafter our tools shape us. ~m. mcluhan
stop looking at yourself as a designer, and start thinking of yourself as a deliverer of ideas.
stop looking at yourself as a designer, and start thinking of yourself as a deliverer of ideas.
words to live by
live it or leave it.
you need a commitment strategy, not an exit strategy.
decisions are progress.
focus on what won't change.
in order to forget we must remember something else.
it's not about ideas, it's about making ideas happen.
you need a commitment strategy, not an exit strategy.
decisions are progress.
focus on what won't change.
in order to forget we must remember something else.
it's not about ideas, it's about making ideas happen.
john, you're my soulmate
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)
words to live by
your life is an occasion, rise to it
how is you compromising yourself for my crazy any different than doing it for him?
did you do the best that you could?
what if? that's how you go crazy.
sometimes you do everything you can and somehow you still get a bad outcome.
how is you compromising yourself for my crazy any different than doing it for him?
did you do the best that you could?
what if? that's how you go crazy.
sometimes you do everything you can and somehow you still get a bad outcome.
loss
i have a feeling of loss right now. i met john for lunch, don't ask my why i continue these relationship cultivation efforts, it's painful and gives me false hope and it's just plain silly.
he said that he is completely satisfied, that he truly believes he is fixed, that he is happy. i don't know if i believe him, but he seemed, if not happy, very satisfied. he told me not to read into it, for me not to believe it was us, but how could this not happen with us, but happen outside of us. were we that toxic to each other that we prevented each other from such wonderful things as satisfaction and happiness? it was painful to hear, painful to hear that he is happy and satisfied, something that could never be attained within the confines of us. how is that? how could it not be us that was so preventative and toxic? how is it that i could not and did not have it in me to go to the gym, eat at all, make friends, believe in my beauty, inside and out, have friends, be calm, be patient, be optimistic, talk to my family while with him? were we holding each other back? he says that one day when i meet my "knight and shining armour" that i will thank him, like vickie thanks him now. how is it, even with all of the major growth and progress i have made, that i still want to be with him, that i still feel so attracted to him, that i still want only him, and believe that only he is the one for me?
what is it i need to do? do i need to continue to cultivate this whatever it is with him in hopes that it will bring us back together? do i truly and really cut off ties with him for a time so that i can truly discover and decide if i really want him, all of who he is? would anything really be different if we were together? would he trust me? would he blame me? would he take responsibility? would everything that i have done so far simply go to waste? would i like me anymore? was it because of him that i did not like me or was it because of me that i did not like me?
how is it, without any other changes, that he is fixed? that he is all better? i don't know if i am buying it, should i be buying it? how is it he is so indifferent towards us? am i okay? i'm certainly not indifferent, but what is it i am? i love him, but would i want to be with him? i don't know. we weren't happy together, but was that because we were not individually happy or were we not happy together so we could not be individually happy? answers! i need answers! at least i want them.
lunch didn't help at all, it didn't do anything, but hurt, cause pain, and make me feel confused and like it all was no good between us.
he said that he is completely satisfied, that he truly believes he is fixed, that he is happy. i don't know if i believe him, but he seemed, if not happy, very satisfied. he told me not to read into it, for me not to believe it was us, but how could this not happen with us, but happen outside of us. were we that toxic to each other that we prevented each other from such wonderful things as satisfaction and happiness? it was painful to hear, painful to hear that he is happy and satisfied, something that could never be attained within the confines of us. how is that? how could it not be us that was so preventative and toxic? how is it that i could not and did not have it in me to go to the gym, eat at all, make friends, believe in my beauty, inside and out, have friends, be calm, be patient, be optimistic, talk to my family while with him? were we holding each other back? he says that one day when i meet my "knight and shining armour" that i will thank him, like vickie thanks him now. how is it, even with all of the major growth and progress i have made, that i still want to be with him, that i still feel so attracted to him, that i still want only him, and believe that only he is the one for me?
what is it i need to do? do i need to continue to cultivate this whatever it is with him in hopes that it will bring us back together? do i truly and really cut off ties with him for a time so that i can truly discover and decide if i really want him, all of who he is? would anything really be different if we were together? would he trust me? would he blame me? would he take responsibility? would everything that i have done so far simply go to waste? would i like me anymore? was it because of him that i did not like me or was it because of me that i did not like me?
how is it, without any other changes, that he is fixed? that he is all better? i don't know if i am buying it, should i be buying it? how is it he is so indifferent towards us? am i okay? i'm certainly not indifferent, but what is it i am? i love him, but would i want to be with him? i don't know. we weren't happy together, but was that because we were not individually happy or were we not happy together so we could not be individually happy? answers! i need answers! at least i want them.
lunch didn't help at all, it didn't do anything, but hurt, cause pain, and make me feel confused and like it all was no good between us.
words to live by
This is the true joy in life, to be used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, to be thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap.
To be a force of nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am a member of a community and as a member it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can before I die. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch that I want to make burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
-- George Bernard Shaw
words to live by
All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”
~William Dyer
People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.
~J. Michael Straczynski
just fell in love with this
"that is, to acknowledge that there is more beauty than our eyes can bear, that precious things have been put into our hands and to do nothing to honor them is to do great harm."
~ marilynne robinson, Gilead
well put...if i do say so myself
I don't like that our conversation ended the way that it did. Last night, I had no plans to go to the meeting. I didn't think that I could handle seeing you, then at 5:45 I decided that I wasn't being fair to either club, myself, or you and rushed to get there. John, I still don't know how to see you in public with people who knew we were together, heck even when it is with Turner I have a hard time. I didn't want to look like I was pining over you still, I honest to god, do not remember walking in front of you that first time. When I walked to go to the bathroom I knew when I walked back up that I would I say hi and wave to you. I intended to be friendly, but not overly. Either way, I am sorry that I came off as rude and inconsiderate. I have not spoken poorly of you, I have no intentions of hurting you or angering you in anyway, out in public or privately on the phone, email, or text. When I see you out, it is staring right in my face what I used to have and what many parts of me still want and knowing that it is hopeless is almost to hard to swallow. I guess that "out of sight, out of mind" thing is working for me right now, it doesn't make it right or wrong, it's just the way that I can cope and not fall apart when I am out or around you. Every time that I see you it feels like a wound is being reopened that just started to heal. I understand that that is my problem, but that is what it is right now.
I want you to know that I am EXCEEDINGLY and EXTREMELY grateful for the kind gesture you made by paying that bill. I am VERY SORRY that I came off as rude and inconsiderate, no excuses, nothing. I am sorry. I didn't just call this morning to go through that branch discussion with you. I heard on the tv this morning that the Isotopes' first game is Monday and I wanted to see if you wanted to go with Turner and I, if you are not too angry, let me know if you can go and I'll get the tickets.
Also, despite the little faith and terrible taste you have and have had in your mouth of me, I was loyal to you, dedicated to you, loved only you, wanted only you, and was prepared to stay with you, and only you, for life. I didn't want this, I didn't find a branch and leave you and I haven't found a branch, I am not looking for twigs, branches, trunks, or anything. I know I didn't pay any bills for you or do you any huge favors, but I want to ask that even if you don't change the way you think about me, that you don't keep drilling it into me. The truth of the matter is, I would have been yours for life if you would have had me and aside from the Steve mistake, which I still regret everyday, I never did or thought about doing anything ever again that would betray you and not show the love that I had for you. I was dedicated, I was faithful, I was yours and only yours and if you simply cannot believe that, I can't change your thoughts or control them, but it just hurts me more and makes me feel like all that I gave was in vain because no matter what I did, you still thought little of me, no matter how much dedication, love, and pride I showed in us it seems like you would always think poorly of me. If you forgave me, as you said you did, then please really have forgiven me. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you bring it up to throw it in someone's face again and again. It doesn't mean you forget, but it also doesn't me that re-inflicting pain for either party is at all healthy.
If you want the whole truth and nothing but the truth about branches, as you call them, I have met some random guys, exchanged numbers either way sometimes, but I haven't acted on it, I haven't been strong enough to, I haven't been stable enough to even if I wanted to. I don't feel ready for any of it right now and I truly hope that sometime soon I do feel ready for it, even if there isn't anyone or anything, just feel ready. I am not out looking, even though there really isn't a reason not to. I don't want a relationship right now, I am not looking for one and on top of that, I am not going to get into one. I am working on me, liking me, loving me, thinking high enough of myself so that when the time is right I know exactly what I want, what I don't want, what I can accept, and what are red flags for me. I want to know all of that before I jump into anything, I want to be the very best version of myself and not depend on someone else to constitute my self-worth for me or to build me up or make me happy, that's no one's responsibility but mine.
I apologize this email has turned into sort of a novel. Also, I am VERY SORRY about last night. I will, when I see you again, make strides to be kind and friendly and I'll do even if you do decide you want me to pay you back.
I hope you have a great day today and that it truly goes exactly as you would like it to.
I want you to know that I am EXCEEDINGLY and EXTREMELY grateful for the kind gesture you made by paying that bill. I am VERY SORRY that I came off as rude and inconsiderate, no excuses, nothing. I am sorry. I didn't just call this morning to go through that branch discussion with you. I heard on the tv this morning that the Isotopes' first game is Monday and I wanted to see if you wanted to go with Turner and I, if you are not too angry, let me know if you can go and I'll get the tickets.
Also, despite the little faith and terrible taste you have and have had in your mouth of me, I was loyal to you, dedicated to you, loved only you, wanted only you, and was prepared to stay with you, and only you, for life. I didn't want this, I didn't find a branch and leave you and I haven't found a branch, I am not looking for twigs, branches, trunks, or anything. I know I didn't pay any bills for you or do you any huge favors, but I want to ask that even if you don't change the way you think about me, that you don't keep drilling it into me. The truth of the matter is, I would have been yours for life if you would have had me and aside from the Steve mistake, which I still regret everyday, I never did or thought about doing anything ever again that would betray you and not show the love that I had for you. I was dedicated, I was faithful, I was yours and only yours and if you simply cannot believe that, I can't change your thoughts or control them, but it just hurts me more and makes me feel like all that I gave was in vain because no matter what I did, you still thought little of me, no matter how much dedication, love, and pride I showed in us it seems like you would always think poorly of me. If you forgave me, as you said you did, then please really have forgiven me. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you bring it up to throw it in someone's face again and again. It doesn't mean you forget, but it also doesn't me that re-inflicting pain for either party is at all healthy.
If you want the whole truth and nothing but the truth about branches, as you call them, I have met some random guys, exchanged numbers either way sometimes, but I haven't acted on it, I haven't been strong enough to, I haven't been stable enough to even if I wanted to. I don't feel ready for any of it right now and I truly hope that sometime soon I do feel ready for it, even if there isn't anyone or anything, just feel ready. I am not out looking, even though there really isn't a reason not to. I don't want a relationship right now, I am not looking for one and on top of that, I am not going to get into one. I am working on me, liking me, loving me, thinking high enough of myself so that when the time is right I know exactly what I want, what I don't want, what I can accept, and what are red flags for me. I want to know all of that before I jump into anything, I want to be the very best version of myself and not depend on someone else to constitute my self-worth for me or to build me up or make me happy, that's no one's responsibility but mine.
I apologize this email has turned into sort of a novel. Also, I am VERY SORRY about last night. I will, when I see you again, make strides to be kind and friendly and I'll do even if you do decide you want me to pay you back.
I hope you have a great day today and that it truly goes exactly as you would like it to.
ew and blah
yesterday i had mh over to my house. needless to say, it was way too late at night and i am exhausted. okay, the nitty gritty. we got naked, he keeps, over and over, telling me how beautiful i am, but we did everything but have sex. i don't like him, i don't like his personality, i don't like his looks, i don't like anything. i feel gross and dirty today, just disgusted with him, with myself, and the whole situation. i feel like i need to take a shower and wash it off over and over again. i am sick with myself, totally sick with myself. i want to take it all back.
the other night with brett, it felt good, it felt fun, it felt right for right now. i like him, he's interesting, he's good looking, and he's so fun. everything i want right now and nothing more.
resolve: don't call michael, don't call marc, stick with brett, lofty and lightly.
the other night with brett, it felt good, it felt fun, it felt right for right now. i like him, he's interesting, he's good looking, and he's so fun. everything i want right now and nothing more.
resolve: don't call michael, don't call marc, stick with brett, lofty and lightly.
epiphanies
for the past month i have been in the deep of it, it the nitty gritty, in the dumps, in the darkness, and just when i thought it could not hurt more, it could not feel worse, there was a light. that's not to say, here i am the end of pain, the end of the tunnel, it is to say that i see the light and no amount of darkness can distinguish it.
so i have some epiphanies:
so i have some epiphanies:
- the worst someone can tell me is no...i don't lose anything i didn't have with a no
- i am not looking for love, not looking for a husband, i am looking for interesting people, that i enjoy spending time with, and that are a killer lay
- there is a huge difference feeling in lust and enamored and actually being and feeling love. the lust fades, the enamored is just excitement. a true, real relationship can only happen with true self-awareness of who you are, then a true and real understanding of the other person, and that can't happen in a week, in three weeks, in six months, it happens slowly and gradually over time, then and only then can you really decide whether you have found a lifelong partner.
- right now, everything above is not what i am looking for right now, if it falls into my lap...wonderful, if not, wonderful. i just want to make up for lost time. i want to take time to figure out what i like, what i don't like. what is acceptable and what is not. i want to set standards and i want to be certain of my decisions and of myself.
- i want to have lots of sex and learn what i like and sow my wild oats.
- i want to be the best version of me in mind, body, and soul.
- i feel fresh, new, excited about what is next.
- i like this. i can't go back, but i can go forward.
resources to use
Air Bed & Breakfast
Instituo Cervantes
El Dorado Children's Theatre
Marshall Peforming Arts Conservatory
Sports Mix Kids
Instituo Cervantes
El Dorado Children's Theatre
Marshall Peforming Arts Conservatory
Sports Mix Kids
day 4
i really don't know why i am even counting anymore because i am failing on every end. yesterday, i was doing a killer job, i didn't call, didn't text, did email, nada. i was killing this task! then come four o'clock he emails, asks if i want to come to his house for easter.
I wanted to invite you (and turner if he’s with you) to the family’s festivities on Easter. I’m not looking for an explanation if you don’t want to come, but I want you to feel like you’re part of a family on such a special day and I’m happy to share mine with you. If you can great, if not, please don’t initiate a debate, okay. Just let me know.
I replied, Thank you for the invite. I really appreciate it and appreciate you thinking of T and I. I think we are going to pass. Thank you, again.
contact. great. so i got through that, easy enough, right? nope, i go to the Project New Day kickoff party and lo' and behold, he is there. it totally threw me way off, i couldn't regain my composure. my whole night, ruined. then i was telling people about it...not smart and very desperate looking. i need to grow up and stop doing that. my problems are mine, not everyone i run into or meet. i need to fix that. i also, at two in the morning today, that, the past is over, what we had then is no longer, the future is uncertain and unknown, all i know and have right this minute is today, and today he does not want to be with me. i need to continue to say that, to remember that i will see him places, that he may show up one day with someone, that no matter the reason for his appearance anywhere i am that i am not with him and he does not want to be with me.
this morning, okay at three this morning, i wrote, him (i think a very well worded apology):
Hi, I want to apologize for last night.
I didn't expect to see you there and it really threw me off. I should have remained composed, greeted you, and not questioned why you were there, who invited you, or why you would attend the event. For one, it's not my concern and two we both have the liberty to be at events and enjoy them, whether or not both of us happen to be there. I'm sorry I made you feel you needed to leave, I'm sorry I wasn't a bigger person about the whole situation; I feel terrible.
Also, I should not have prodded you about whoever you see, it was some sick and cruel joke that girl played or something and again threw me completely off yet again and it hurt.
If we do happen to be at the same event, I vow to remain composed, be friendly, and be a big person about it.
Again, I apologize for the way I acted towards you; that will not happen again.
I didn't expect to see you there and it really threw me off. I should have remained composed, greeted you, and not questioned why you were there, who invited you, or why you would attend the event. For one, it's not my concern and two we both have the liberty to be at events and enjoy them, whether or not both of us happen to be there. I'm sorry I made you feel you needed to leave, I'm sorry I wasn't a bigger person about the whole situation; I feel terrible.
Also, I should not have prodded you about whoever you see, it was some sick and cruel joke that girl played or something and again threw me completely off yet again and it hurt.
If we do happen to be at the same event, I vow to remain composed, be friendly, and be a big person about it.
Again, I apologize for the way I acted towards you; that will not happen again.
i feel very proud of it, i just wish i would have been able to act out what i apologized for.
this morning, he also paid the almost $500 bill for the attorney that was ours. why do that? i wanted to do it, i wanted to blow him away, i wanted to impress him.
i am confused, very confused, having a very confusing, difficult, and heartbreaking time with this. veronica believes that i need to just let him go, say that i don't want to be with him, ignore him, deal with him seeing someone else, get over it, take control, give up, that if we were ever to be together there is too much behind us to actually have a future, that i will get over it, that it is nothing, that i think i love him but i don't.
i don't believe her. i don't believe her. i love him, i want to be with him, i think he is my one. and i don't know how to remedy the entire situation and move on.
i think you were my lifetime
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
~ Unknown
much needed advice
today i received advice i didn't ask for, but found it was much needed, for work, for me, for life, for everything.
- be less abrasive
- don't let the anger in the back of your mind come out in your language
- be positive
- set a goal, write it down
- think about what you are going to say
- lose the attitude
- be positive
- be private
- be professional
- be open
- listen
- be aware of myself
- honey + vinegar
- understand your value
- learn to say 'f*#k you' without ever say 'f*#k you'
- come from the i want to help standpoint
- articulate
- be polite
- network
- be friendly
- be open
- everything you think, does not necessarily need to be said
- they're not dumb, you are acting silly
some goodies
1. Treat people well.
2. Build community
3. Don't be protective of your resources
4. Seek out other inspiring work
5. Represent yourself accurately
6. Indulge in Obsessions (ah ha! take THAT everyone who pokes fun at my obsessiveness)
7. Invite rigor into your process
8. Find a good place to live, especially in NYC
9. Work with people you love being around & trust
10. Seek feedback; advice then listen to it
11. But we make the final decision
12. Do not envy what others have
13. Embrace each stage of development
14. Cultivate a sense of humor about self, work, & life
15. Take yourself seriously; honor the time we have to offer.
source
2. Build community
3. Don't be protective of your resources
4. Seek out other inspiring work
5. Represent yourself accurately
6. Indulge in Obsessions (ah ha! take THAT everyone who pokes fun at my obsessiveness)
7. Invite rigor into your process
8. Find a good place to live, especially in NYC
9. Work with people you love being around & trust
10. Seek feedback; advice then listen to it
11. But we make the final decision
12. Do not envy what others have
13. Embrace each stage of development
14. Cultivate a sense of humor about self, work, & life
15. Take yourself seriously; honor the time we have to offer.
source
words to live by
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
- Dr. Seuss
in with the new?
went to lunch today, was offered a job opportunity. interesting! do i give it a shot? do i go for it? what if i could get a pay raise, but not be able to do my marketing anymore? lots to think about, but such a compliment.
day 3
(which is actually day 2, but who's counting?)
well it's really early still, but so far so good. after the little email interchange yesterday i made no contact for the remainder of the day. i guess i should be happy about that, that i did it, but he did not contact me either, that fact is harder than anything to swallow. he does not want to talk to me, he is not interested.
so day 3 begins, harder than yesterday and not a likelihood that i'll hear from him today. it is so hard to digest that he is not interested in what i am doing, that he does not want an us anymore, he wants just him and to find someone else, that he does not want to be a part of it anymore, that he does not want me anymore.
what if this 30 days is just a sham and he ends up living in utter happiness with someone else? and i am just a foolish, foolish girl for hoping and believing it will work.
sad, today, and lost. sad and lost.
well it's really early still, but so far so good. after the little email interchange yesterday i made no contact for the remainder of the day. i guess i should be happy about that, that i did it, but he did not contact me either, that fact is harder than anything to swallow. he does not want to talk to me, he is not interested.
so day 3 begins, harder than yesterday and not a likelihood that i'll hear from him today. it is so hard to digest that he is not interested in what i am doing, that he does not want an us anymore, he wants just him and to find someone else, that he does not want to be a part of it anymore, that he does not want me anymore.
what if this 30 days is just a sham and he ends up living in utter happiness with someone else? and i am just a foolish, foolish girl for hoping and believing it will work.
sad, today, and lost. sad and lost.
needing some encouragment today
Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.
~ Oprah Winfrey
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
~ AnonymousTrue love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.
~ Author Unknown
You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
~ David Hawkins
You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness.
~ Julia Roberts
goodbye my john, goodbye.
day 2
so i received john's answer, making it yet again very clear that there is no chance of us reuniting. so today is the day. I am not going to call him, write him, text him, interact with him for thirty days, starting right here, right now. day 2, here we go.
john's response
Right now is not the time to consider getting back together. If it were I'd be all for it, but we were not working, I was not happy, and you didn't seem to be. I am not changing my mind. I still think highly of you and I appreciate you including me in turner's activities and hope you'll continue. I wish things were different or had turned out different but they didn't. We fought WITH each other we fought FOR each other and after two years we were still fighting, just not as much as before. I wanted it to end completely with the exception of the occasional argument over something substantial. So to be 100% honest, I have no intentions of getting back together. I want to continue my relationship with turner and understand that may be hard for you. IF it is, please let me have a night a week, or two nights a month with him where I can just take him to dions for some "guy" time and I'll be happy. He's my boy and I cannot loose him.
I realize I'm going to get a response. Please fight the urge to send multiple long e-mails. If you're going to respond, save it up and send just one long e-mail because I promise you, I do not have time for a bunch of long e-mails.
I hope you have a really great day! Truly!
I realize I'm going to get a response. Please fight the urge to send multiple long e-mails. If you're going to respond, save it up and send just one long e-mail because I promise you, I do not have time for a bunch of long e-mails.
I hope you have a really great day! Truly!
day 1
fail.
first thing in the morning i contacted john. he responded nicely. he doesn't ever initiate the contact though. what does that mean? still no answer to yesterday's request. quite certain that the answer is still "no," heartbreakingly so. our relationship was like water, until it is gone, you never really know how much you need it. being with john, him being mine, me being his, seems like it was so long ago. i want it to be a reality again. how do i move on? somebody please tell me, how do i move on?
first thing in the morning i contacted john. he responded nicely. he doesn't ever initiate the contact though. what does that mean? still no answer to yesterday's request. quite certain that the answer is still "no," heartbreakingly so. our relationship was like water, until it is gone, you never really know how much you need it. being with john, him being mine, me being his, seems like it was so long ago. i want it to be a reality again. how do i move on? somebody please tell me, how do i move on?
today
today i miss you. today i wish i was coming home to you and your arms. today i wish i could hold you. today i wish i could call you mine. today i wish i could kiss you. today i wish you were mine.
i am incredibly sad, quite close to tears. i would very much like you to be mine again. please come back to me.
i am incredibly sad, quite close to tears. i would very much like you to be mine again. please come back to me.
uncertainty...the unknown
i have a date next week, well a sort of date, a happy hour catch up. should i be doing this? is it too soon? how will i act? what will i say? is there any turning back afterward? i just want john, but it feels like he is gone, no longer mine. it makes me nauseous, it makes my stomach churn, and my heart ache. i am not comfortable, but i need to do this.
words to live by
...and i want her name.
she had a face like she had been crushed but survived and squeezed every drop of compassion from her pain and painted it on her cheeks. she moved softly, without presumption. one would think that she was pliable ~ such softness carries with it weakness ~ her secret though, was behind her beautifully humble exterior was a strength that no on expected.
she had a face like she had been crushed but survived and squeezed every drop of compassion from her pain and painted it on her cheeks. she moved softly, without presumption. one would think that she was pliable ~ such softness carries with it weakness ~ her secret though, was behind her beautifully humble exterior was a strength that no on expected.
~ Polly Pelly
on the wedding playlist
Marry Me ~ Train
Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do
Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way
Marry Me
Today and every day
Marry Me
If I ever get the nerve to say
Hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love
And you're beautiful
Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way
Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies
And marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Marry me
Mm-hmm
Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do
Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way
Marry Me
Today and every day
Marry Me
If I ever get the nerve to say
Hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love
And you're beautiful
Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way
Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies
And marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Marry me
Mm-hmm
the music of the moment
More than a Man ~ Dave Barnes
I should first apologize
Cause I've done nothing but I'll do something
The good in me gets bad sometimes
But I don't mean it
I'll never mean it
Don't give up on me
Baby please believe
Cause I'll be more than a man for you
I'll do anything you ask me to
Heartache or heaven
Baby I will, pursue
More than a man for you
I'll try to name you deity
We all want something
I'm missing something
It Just explains the lack in me
Where I need you
And how I need you
So don't give up on me
Baby please believe
Cause I'll be more than a man for you
I'll do anything you ask me to
Heartache or heaven
Baby I will, pursue
More than a man
There's a war inside my
Heart and mind
Between the hope ahead and sin behind
All I ask, you believe in me
I should first apologize.
I should first apologize
Cause I've done nothing but I'll do something
The good in me gets bad sometimes
But I don't mean it
I'll never mean it
Don't give up on me
Baby please believe
Cause I'll be more than a man for you
I'll do anything you ask me to
Heartache or heaven
Baby I will, pursue
More than a man for you
I'll try to name you deity
We all want something
I'm missing something
It Just explains the lack in me
Where I need you
And how I need you
So don't give up on me
Baby please believe
Cause I'll be more than a man for you
I'll do anything you ask me to
Heartache or heaven
Baby I will, pursue
More than a man
There's a war inside my
Heart and mind
Between the hope ahead and sin behind
All I ask, you believe in me
I should first apologize.
insanely cute and romantic
via Joanna Goddard Have you told bedtime stories lately? Pregnancy has made me super sleepy, and I've been conking out really early. So a little tradition has started, where Alex will put me to bed. After I brush my teeth, he'll say, “Ready for bed, baby?” and then come into the bedroom, lie down next to me (and my maternity pillow) and tell me funny stories about his childhood, early days in New York or old friends. I don't know how he comes up with them all (every single night!), but it's so cozy falling asleep listening to his deep voice and trying to stay awake to hear the ending. I love you, Alex.
how do you describe loss
What is gain? Is gain financial, made of stocks and bonds? How do you define gain when everyone believes it is such a positive idea and concept? How do you learn to appreciate gain? The things I have gained I don’t want I want to give them right back to where they came from. I have gained the ability to care for and watch your dying sister knowing that there may not be tomorrow. I have gained the ability to throw up without regret and as quiet as a mouse. I have gained the tough skin to be called even the most atrocious of names and stay. I have gained the knowledge of fighting to keep your child when being a mother is the only thing you’ve have ever really been good at. I have gained the ability to shut the entire world out because the one’s that weren’t supposed to betray you, did. I have gained the power to make someone stay in a place where they are absolutely miserable. I have gained the insecurities that only come from the lowest view of self. I have gained the belief that I am all of those things that I am all of those atrocious things. I have gained the mindset that I am without value. I have gained the power of convincing myself that I don’t deserve the only thing that I really want-happiness. I have gained the ability to replay the faces and words that hurt the most, like a repeating record, and I have gained the ability to believe every look of disdain, every single word that hurts and I let it hurt endlessly.
I don’t like these words or these concepts these losses and gains, yet I cling to them and see everything this way. You are probably thinking, but the experience, oh, the journey is the reward, if so please divulge because my experiences are terrible and my regrets often and huge.
How do you remain fighting when concession is safer? Giving up makes you not responsible for results. Giving up makes you need less energy everyday. Giving up fulfills your self-destructive prophecy. Giving up hurts less. Giving up requires less of you. Fighting has brought sorrow, pain; it has cost dearly, you aren’t going to fight anymore I like giving up. My efforts have not paid off…continuation is insanity.
I hear the words again and again:
I have heard so much that “You don’t make me happy” that “I am so unhappy with you” and I haven’t once asked myself if I am at all happy. There are fleeting thoughts that resonate of unhappiness, but never a true question, never a true journey like I said this isn’t a journey of hope and discovery.
Composed July 2009
I don’t like these words or these concepts these losses and gains, yet I cling to them and see everything this way. You are probably thinking, but the experience, oh, the journey is the reward, if so please divulge because my experiences are terrible and my regrets often and huge.
How do you remain fighting when concession is safer? Giving up makes you not responsible for results. Giving up makes you need less energy everyday. Giving up fulfills your self-destructive prophecy. Giving up hurts less. Giving up requires less of you. Fighting has brought sorrow, pain; it has cost dearly, you aren’t going to fight anymore I like giving up. My efforts have not paid off…continuation is insanity.
I hear the words again and again:
- “I really care for you but I don’t love you, you are unlovable.”
- “You aren’t wife material you are divorce material.”
- “You are a vile, vile beast. I hope you die.”
- “You are a cheating fucking whore.”
- “I’ll give you $200 if you take her back to the hotel with you.”
- “You go away you fucking cunt, you aren’t invited anymore you fucking cunt.”
- “I just told Jason I am going to be his wing man.”
- “Don’t fucking touch me or I’ll embarrass you in front of everybody, don’t you fucking touch me.”
- “If you fucking touch me I’ll move to the next table.”
- “You had no right throwing a fit to my little brother about a family picture. You aren’t even a part of this family. I blame you for all of this.”
- This evening is supposed to be about Thomas and Amee and you and John better cut this petty shit.”
- “I remember this, she isn’t as bad as Heidi, but I know what it is like.”
I have heard so much that “You don’t make me happy” that “I am so unhappy with you” and I haven’t once asked myself if I am at all happy. There are fleeting thoughts that resonate of unhappiness, but never a true question, never a true journey like I said this isn’t a journey of hope and discovery.
Composed July 2009
a dream of the past
It is 7:00am, we don’t sleep in around here, John is awake early, Turner wakes early, and a little one kicking inside of me keeps me up frequently. We used to get frustrated with being up at the crack of dawn, but now we don’t just accept it, we relish in it. I have white summery pajamas on, my hair is fairly long (at least longer than it has been in a long time) and brown. I wake and look over at my John laying there in his underwear (it’s white too), he smiles at me and asks me how I slept, if the baby kicked a lot during the night, then he places his hand on my belly. I feel at peace, inside of my heart, in my soul, laying in my white room with a wall of windows looking out at the porch.
A sweet and boisterous little man quickly breaks our silence; the most amazing creature I have ever met. His hair is brown, darker and thicker now that he is a bit older and his skin is that amazing summer olive that it turns. He has car pajamas on and the shorts are a bit crooked from rolling around in his bed all night, my Turner. He jumps onto the bed, somehow always right onto John’s stomach, and puts his ears on my belly and asks why the baby doesn’t talk to him, and when is she going to come out, and how come she is taking so long.
After lounging in bed listening to Turner’s extraordinary dream stories, we roll ourselves out of bed. We decide pancakes and eggs are on the menu for breakfast today. We migrate to the kitchen and I start to make my coffee as I am reminded that I better make that cup last all day. Turner has already put his goulashes on and is outside exploring in the huge yard, still in his pajamas. I watch Turner from the window and John begins making the pancakes. As he makes the pancakes he tells the baby that he is a pancake genius and that she’ll love his pancakes and that her momma is not a cook, so she better love the pancakes. I tell her that isn’t true; I just can’t follow recipes well. After beckoning Turner for the fifth time he finally arrives back inside, there is music playing in the background, the lights are off because the sun is so bright, we all sit down and began serving ourselves. Turner slaps three too many pancakes down on his plate and I ask after he is done with the syrup if he would like any pancakes with his syrup, he responds by putting more syrup on his plate. He asks me if the baby wants some syrup. This is our Saturday morning, this is our life.
In the stillness of this chaos, I close my eyes and take a deep breath and grab John’s hand. In this moment I smile, a true smile, my life has truly begun, my soul is whole, my heart in peace, and I am happy.
Composed June 2009
A sweet and boisterous little man quickly breaks our silence; the most amazing creature I have ever met. His hair is brown, darker and thicker now that he is a bit older and his skin is that amazing summer olive that it turns. He has car pajamas on and the shorts are a bit crooked from rolling around in his bed all night, my Turner. He jumps onto the bed, somehow always right onto John’s stomach, and puts his ears on my belly and asks why the baby doesn’t talk to him, and when is she going to come out, and how come she is taking so long.
After lounging in bed listening to Turner’s extraordinary dream stories, we roll ourselves out of bed. We decide pancakes and eggs are on the menu for breakfast today. We migrate to the kitchen and I start to make my coffee as I am reminded that I better make that cup last all day. Turner has already put his goulashes on and is outside exploring in the huge yard, still in his pajamas. I watch Turner from the window and John begins making the pancakes. As he makes the pancakes he tells the baby that he is a pancake genius and that she’ll love his pancakes and that her momma is not a cook, so she better love the pancakes. I tell her that isn’t true; I just can’t follow recipes well. After beckoning Turner for the fifth time he finally arrives back inside, there is music playing in the background, the lights are off because the sun is so bright, we all sit down and began serving ourselves. Turner slaps three too many pancakes down on his plate and I ask after he is done with the syrup if he would like any pancakes with his syrup, he responds by putting more syrup on his plate. He asks me if the baby wants some syrup. This is our Saturday morning, this is our life.
In the stillness of this chaos, I close my eyes and take a deep breath and grab John’s hand. In this moment I smile, a true smile, my life has truly begun, my soul is whole, my heart in peace, and I am happy.
Composed June 2009
food for the thinking
never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
30 days
the book i foolishly bought online yesterday for a too much price of $39, the purchase a complete display of my desperation, says to not talk to john in any way, shape, or form for 30 days. 30 days seems like a death sentence, 30 days seems like he will most definitely find love or happiness in that time, 30 days seems like he will forget me, he says 30 days will bring him back to me. i don't know how to do this, i am addicted to talking to him. even though he is very likely sleeping with another woman, he had her to his house. 30 days. how. am. i. going. to. do. this?
things that make the day
at trader's joes the other day i decided to buys some flowers to brighten my home and possibly my mood. at the register the cashier asked me who the flowers were for, i, of course, said me, and he said no, they are from me, I am going to buy you these flowers. i was so shocked, he told me that a woman should never have to buy herself flowers. i told him that he truly made my day. :-)
food for the thinking
there is a huge difference between loving the idea of someone and actually loving who they really are.
it's not happening to me, it's just happening
there are too many times where i, in any situation, believe that things are happening to me. john being depressed or working long hours are not things that are happening to me, they are just happening. when i looked through the lens of happening to me, everything seemed so person. these were things that were happening to john, like depression, not happening to me. i needed to be there and supportive and positive, instead of seeing it as something that was such an inconvenience to me or a reflection of me. john working long hours in the nature of his business, true i was not getting as much time as i may have wanted to get with him, but this was happening because of work to john, not to me.
a request to john
I want to ask you if there is ANY way, ANY way at all we can be us again? We have built up so much and created a life together, it seems like it is worth so much more to stay than to walk away. We love each other, we fought for each other and us, we were making substantial progress, think of how much we fought before and how much we were fighting then, a huge difference. I am not saying negate my mistake, I am not making promises in vain. I am saying, please forgive me for my irresponsible misstep. Please try to look past it. We were working and in many ways repairing the bad in our relationship to, like you said, buy another week, or month, or even forever. I know and take full responsibility for that evening. Not that one justifies another, I am not saying that, but there are times where drunkenness, medical issues (depression, moods), among other things caused issues and extreme fights and hurting for the both of us, but we identified them and repaired them. I am not asking you to forget how I acted, I am asking you to please come back to me. I was drunk and I was off my medicine. I acted completely out of line and unacceptably. It doesn’t mean that the “old Alicia” is back, she is buried, she truly is and to keep her buried I do everything I can. I am on meds, I am in a specialized therapy to deal with those specific issues. I am not pointing fingers please know that, the other night when I mentioned your birthday and how it felt like you didn’t enjoy it and like I couldn’t get you to enjoy it, you said, I have a problem and right after that I went and got help, I am getting help. We both knew that something was going on and something was wrong, but it took one event to really shine a light on it. Even with the wedding, even though you said that I should have left then, it was alcohol that exacerbated the situation, you realized it, I realized it and I decided that, because we identified it and vowed to make it better, that everything else that we had was more than worth staying for. That night I was irresponsible, ignorantly thought that being off of my meds for one week wouldn’t make a difference, but it did, then add alcohol to that (even on meds is a bad idea) and I was a disaster. Even before the end of the evening I realized the error of my ways and knew what I needed to do and I am doing it. I am back on my meds, even taking the anxiety meds more frequently, I am in EMDR therapy to deal with my past, the anger, and my wellbeing, I am going to meditation to be more calm and have more inward peace so I can outwardly remain calm and be more patient with everyone and everything, but especially Turner.
Please consider trying us again. Not for a three week change or a temporary fix, but for true and real repair and togetherness. I know, in my heart of hearts, that you are my true one and I know that there is more to fight for than worth letting go of. I want you to be a part of my life, I want you to be my partner, I want to have our family (you, me, and T) back together. I want to be a part of your life, I want to be your partner, your teammate. Is there any possible way? Any way we can possibly do us? Is there anyway, even start by going on a date? Is there any way at all or anything that I can do to change your mind?
I don’t mean to seem desperate, I am asking because I believe and in my heart of hearts I know. We are more together than apart, and we are more than that fight. Please consider, truly consider my request in your heart and please, if you can find it in you, say yes.
I am sorry, I know you have a zillion things going on, this is really laying heavy on me and I needed to ask and request this.
If you, even though I dread it, say no, I apologize for asking again and need to find the ways to let go of you, please tell me how you are doing it. If you say no, I will stop asking and this truly will be the last time.
Please consider trying us again. Not for a three week change or a temporary fix, but for true and real repair and togetherness. I know, in my heart of hearts, that you are my true one and I know that there is more to fight for than worth letting go of. I want you to be a part of my life, I want you to be my partner, I want to have our family (you, me, and T) back together. I want to be a part of your life, I want to be your partner, your teammate. Is there any possible way? Any way we can possibly do us? Is there anyway, even start by going on a date? Is there any way at all or anything that I can do to change your mind?
I don’t mean to seem desperate, I am asking because I believe and in my heart of hearts I know. We are more together than apart, and we are more than that fight. Please consider, truly consider my request in your heart and please, if you can find it in you, say yes.
I am sorry, I know you have a zillion things going on, this is really laying heavy on me and I needed to ask and request this.
If you, even though I dread it, say no, I apologize for asking again and need to find the ways to let go of you, please tell me how you are doing it. If you say no, I will stop asking and this truly will be the last time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)