well put...if i do say so myself

I don't like that our conversation ended the way that it did. Last night, I had no plans to go to the meeting. I didn't think that I could handle seeing you, then at 5:45 I decided that I wasn't being fair to either club, myself, or you and rushed to get there. John, I still don't know how to see you in public with people who knew we were together, heck even when it is with Turner I have a hard time. I didn't want to look like I was pining over you still, I honest to god, do not remember walking in front of you that first time. When I walked to go to the bathroom I knew when I walked back up that I would I say hi and wave to you. I intended to be friendly, but not overly. Either way, I am sorry that I came off as rude and inconsiderate. I have not spoken poorly of you, I have no intentions of hurting you or angering you in anyway, out in public or privately on the phone, email, or text. When I see you out, it is staring right in my face what I used to have and what many parts of me still want and knowing that it is hopeless is almost to hard to swallow. I guess that "out of sight, out of mind" thing is working for me right now, it doesn't make it right or wrong, it's just the way that I can cope and not fall apart when I am out or around you. Every time that I see you it feels like a wound is being reopened that just started to heal. I understand that that is my problem, but that is what it is right now.

I want you to know that I am EXCEEDINGLY and EXTREMELY grateful for the kind gesture you made by paying that bill. I am VERY SORRY that I came off as rude and inconsiderate, no excuses, nothing. I am sorry. I didn't just call this morning to go through that branch discussion with you. I heard on the tv this morning that the Isotopes' first game is Monday and I wanted to see if you wanted to go with Turner and I, if you are not too angry, let me know if you can go and I'll get the tickets.

Also, despite the little faith and terrible taste you have and have had in your mouth of me, I was loyal to you, dedicated to you, loved only you, wanted only you, and was prepared to stay with you, and only you, for life. I didn't want this, I didn't find a branch and leave you and I haven't found a branch, I am not looking for twigs, branches, trunks, or anything. I know I didn't pay any bills for you or do you any huge favors, but I want to ask that even if you don't change the way you think about me, that you don't keep drilling it into me. The truth of the matter is, I would have been yours for life if you would have had me and aside from the Steve mistake, which I still regret everyday, I never did or thought about doing anything ever again that would betray you and not show the love that I had for you. I was dedicated, I was faithful, I was yours and only yours and if you simply cannot believe that, I can't change your thoughts or control them, but it just hurts me more and makes me feel like all that I gave was in vain because no matter what I did, you still thought little of me, no matter how much dedication, love, and pride I showed in us it seems like you would always think poorly of me. If you forgave me, as you said you did, then please really have forgiven me. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you bring it up to throw it in someone's face again and again. It doesn't mean you forget, but it also doesn't me that re-inflicting pain for either party is at all healthy.

If you want the whole truth and nothing but the truth about branches, as you call them, I have met some random guys, exchanged numbers either way sometimes, but I haven't acted on it, I haven't been strong enough to, I haven't been stable enough to even if I wanted to. I don't feel ready for any of it right now and I truly hope that sometime soon I do feel ready for it, even if there isn't anyone or anything, just feel ready. I am not out looking, even though there really isn't a reason not to. I don't want a relationship right now, I am not looking for one and on top of that, I am not going to get into one. I am working on me, liking me, loving me, thinking high enough of myself so that when the time is right I know exactly what I want, what I don't want, what I can accept, and what are red flags for me. I want to know all of that before I jump into anything, I want to be the very best version of myself and not depend on someone else to constitute my self-worth for me or to build me up or make me happy, that's no one's responsibility but mine.

I apologize this email has turned into sort of a novel. Also, I am VERY SORRY about last night. I will, when I see you again, make strides to be kind and friendly and I'll do even if you do decide you want me to pay you back.

I hope you have a great day today and that it truly goes exactly as you would like it to.