day 4

i really don't know why i am even counting anymore because i am failing on every end. yesterday, i was doing a killer job, i didn't call, didn't text, did email, nada. i was killing this task! then come four o'clock he emails, asks if i want to come to his house for easter.

I  wanted to invite you (and turner if he’s with you) to the family’s festivities on Easter.  I’m not looking for an explanation if you don’t want to come, but I want you to feel like you’re part of a family on such a special day and I’m happy to share mine with you.  If you can great, if not, please don’t initiate a debate, okay.  Just let me know.

I replied, Thank you for the invite. I really appreciate it and appreciate you thinking of T and I. I think we are going to pass. Thank you, again.  

contact. great. so i got through that, easy enough, right? nope, i go to the Project New Day kickoff party and lo' and behold, he is there. it totally threw me way off, i couldn't regain my composure. my whole night, ruined. then i was telling people about it...not smart and very desperate looking. i need to grow up and stop doing that. my problems are mine, not everyone i run into or meet. i need to fix that. i also, at two in the morning today, that, the past is over, what we had then is no longer, the future is uncertain and unknown, all i know and have right this minute is today, and today he does not want to be with me. i need to continue to say that, to remember that i will see him places, that he may show up one day with someone, that no matter the reason for his appearance anywhere i am that i am not with him and he does not want to be with me. 

this morning, okay at three this morning, i wrote, him (i think a very well worded apology):

Hi, I want to apologize for last night.


I didn't expect to see you there and it really threw me off. I should have remained composed, greeted you, and not questioned why you were there, who invited you, or why you would attend the event. For one, it's not my concern and two we both have the liberty to be at events and enjoy them, whether or not both of us happen to be there. I'm sorry I made you feel you needed to leave, I'm sorry I wasn't a bigger person about the whole situation; I feel terrible.


Also, I should not have prodded you about whoever you see, it was some sick and cruel joke that girl played or something and again threw me completely off yet again and it hurt.


If we do happen to be at the same event, I vow to remain composed, be friendly, and be a big person about it.


Again, I apologize for the way I acted towards you; that will not happen again.

i feel very proud of it, i just wish i would have been able to act out what i apologized for. 

this morning, he also paid the almost $500 bill for the attorney that was ours. why do that? i wanted to do it, i wanted to blow him away, i wanted to impress him. 

i am confused, very confused, having a very confusing, difficult, and heartbreaking time with this. veronica believes that i need to just let him go, say that i don't want to be with him, ignore him, deal with him seeing someone else, get over it, take control, give up, that if we were ever to be together there is too much behind us to actually have a future, that i will get over it, that it is nothing, that i think i love him but i don't. 

i don't believe her. i don't believe her. i love him, i want to be with him, i think he is my one. and i don't know how to remedy the entire situation and move on.