“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”

-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

find here

your life is an occasion, rise to it

how is you compromising yourself for my crazy any different than doing it for him?

did you do the best that you could?

what if? that's how you go crazy.

sometimes you do everything you can and somehow you still get a bad outcome.

 

find this

find this

i have a feeling of loss right now. i met john for lunch, don't ask my why i continue these relationship cultivation efforts, it's painful and gives me false hope and it's just plain silly.

he said that he is completely satisfied, that he truly believes he is fixed, that he is happy. i don't know if i believe him, but he seemed, if not happy, very satisfied. he told me not to read into it, for me not to believe it was us, but how could this not happen with us, but happen outside of us. were we that toxic to each other that we prevented each other from such wonderful things as satisfaction and happiness? it was painful to hear, painful to hear that he is happy and satisfied, something that could never be attained within the confines of us. how is that? how could it not be us that was so preventative and toxic? how is it that i could not and did not have it in me to go to the gym, eat at all, make friends, believe in my beauty, inside and out, have friends, be calm, be patient, be optimistic, talk to my family while with him? were we holding each other back? he says that one day when i meet my "knight and shining armour" that i will thank him, like vickie thanks him now. how is it, even with all of the major growth and progress i have made, that i still want to be with him, that i still feel so attracted to him, that i still want only him, and believe that only he is the one for me?

what is it i need to do? do i need to continue to cultivate this whatever it is with him in hopes that it will bring us back together? do i truly and really cut off ties with him for a time so that i can truly discover and decide if i really want him, all of who he is? would anything really be different if we were together? would he trust me? would he blame me? would he take responsibility? would everything that i have done so far simply go to waste? would i like me anymore? was it because of him that i did not like me or was it because of me that i did not like me?

how is it, without any other changes, that he is fixed? that he is all better? i don't know if i am buying it, should i be buying it? how is it he is so indifferent towards us? am i okay? i'm certainly not indifferent, but what is it i am? i love him, but would i want to be with him? i don't know. we weren't happy together, but was that because we were not individually happy or were we not happy together so we could not be individually happy? answers! i need answers! at least i want them.

lunch didn't help at all, it didn't do anything, but hurt, cause pain, and make me feel confused and like it all was no good between us.

find here

buy it

found here

where i found you

This is the true joy in life, to be used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, to be thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap.

To be a force of nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. 

I  am a member of a community and as a member it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can before I die.  Life is no brief candle to me.  It is a sort of splendid torch that I want to make burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

              -- George Bernard Shaw

How Many Times  ~ Rocco de Lucca
In These Arms ~ Swell Season
Colors ~ Amos Lee

the recipe

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”

~William Dyer

People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.

~J. Michael Straczynski 

"that is, to acknowledge that there is more beauty than our eyes can bear, that precious things have been put into our hands and to do nothing to honor them is to do great harm."

~ marilynne robinson, Gilead

 

 

 

so fun!

I don't like that our conversation ended the way that it did. Last night, I had no plans to go to the meeting. I didn't think that I could handle seeing you, then at 5:45 I decided that I wasn't being fair to either club, myself, or you and rushed to get there. John, I still don't know how to see you in public with people who knew we were together, heck even when it is with Turner I have a hard time. I didn't want to look like I was pining over you still, I honest to god, do not remember walking in front of you that first time. When I walked to go to the bathroom I knew when I walked back up that I would I say hi and wave to you. I intended to be friendly, but not overly. Either way, I am sorry that I came off as rude and inconsiderate. I have not spoken poorly of you, I have no intentions of hurting you or angering you in anyway, out in public or privately on the phone, email, or text. When I see you out, it is staring right in my face what I used to have and what many parts of me still want and knowing that it is hopeless is almost to hard to swallow. I guess that "out of sight, out of mind" thing is working for me right now, it doesn't make it right or wrong, it's just the way that I can cope and not fall apart when I am out or around you. Every time that I see you it feels like a wound is being reopened that just started to heal. I understand that that is my problem, but that is what it is right now.

I want you to know that I am EXCEEDINGLY and EXTREMELY grateful for the kind gesture you made by paying that bill. I am VERY SORRY that I came off as rude and inconsiderate, no excuses, nothing. I am sorry. I didn't just call this morning to go through that branch discussion with you. I heard on the tv this morning that the Isotopes' first game is Monday and I wanted to see if you wanted to go with Turner and I, if you are not too angry, let me know if you can go and I'll get the tickets.

Also, despite the little faith and terrible taste you have and have had in your mouth of me, I was loyal to you, dedicated to you, loved only you, wanted only you, and was prepared to stay with you, and only you, for life. I didn't want this, I didn't find a branch and leave you and I haven't found a branch, I am not looking for twigs, branches, trunks, or anything. I know I didn't pay any bills for you or do you any huge favors, but I want to ask that even if you don't change the way you think about me, that you don't keep drilling it into me. The truth of the matter is, I would have been yours for life if you would have had me and aside from the Steve mistake, which I still regret everyday, I never did or thought about doing anything ever again that would betray you and not show the love that I had for you. I was dedicated, I was faithful, I was yours and only yours and if you simply cannot believe that, I can't change your thoughts or control them, but it just hurts me more and makes me feel like all that I gave was in vain because no matter what I did, you still thought little of me, no matter how much dedication, love, and pride I showed in us it seems like you would always think poorly of me. If you forgave me, as you said you did, then please really have forgiven me. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you bring it up to throw it in someone's face again and again. It doesn't mean you forget, but it also doesn't me that re-inflicting pain for either party is at all healthy.

If you want the whole truth and nothing but the truth about branches, as you call them, I have met some random guys, exchanged numbers either way sometimes, but I haven't acted on it, I haven't been strong enough to, I haven't been stable enough to even if I wanted to. I don't feel ready for any of it right now and I truly hope that sometime soon I do feel ready for it, even if there isn't anyone or anything, just feel ready. I am not out looking, even though there really isn't a reason not to. I don't want a relationship right now, I am not looking for one and on top of that, I am not going to get into one. I am working on me, liking me, loving me, thinking high enough of myself so that when the time is right I know exactly what I want, what I don't want, what I can accept, and what are red flags for me. I want to know all of that before I jump into anything, I want to be the very best version of myself and not depend on someone else to constitute my self-worth for me or to build me up or make me happy, that's no one's responsibility but mine.

I apologize this email has turned into sort of a novel. Also, I am VERY SORRY about last night. I will, when I see you again, make strides to be kind and friendly and I'll do even if you do decide you want me to pay you back.

I hope you have a great day today and that it truly goes exactly as you would like it to.

what's yours?

yesterday i had mh over to my house. needless to say, it was way too late at night and i am exhausted. okay, the nitty gritty. we got naked, he keeps, over and over, telling me how beautiful i am, but we did everything but have sex. i don't like him, i don't like his personality, i don't like his looks, i don't like anything. i feel gross and dirty today, just disgusted with him, with myself, and the whole situation. i feel like i need to take a shower and wash it off over and over again. i am sick with myself, totally sick with myself. i want to take it all back.

the other night with brett, it felt good, it felt fun, it felt right for right now. i like him, he's interesting, he's good looking, and he's so fun. everything i want right now and nothing more.

resolve: don't call michael, don't call marc, stick with brett, lofty and lightly.

love this

for the past month i have been in the deep of it, it the nitty gritty, in the dumps, in the darkness, and just when i thought it could not hurt more, it could not feel worse, there was a light. that's not to say, here i am the end of pain, the end of the tunnel, it is to say that i see the light and no amount of darkness can distinguish it.

so i have some epiphanies:

• the worst someone can tell me is no...i don't lose anything i didn't have with a no
• i am not looking for love, not looking for a husband, i am looking for interesting people, that i enjoy spending time with, and that are a killer lay
• there is a huge difference feeling in lust and enamored and actually being and feeling love. the lust fades, the enamored is just excitement. a true, real relationship can only happen with true self-awareness of who you are, then a true and real understanding of the other person, and that can't happen in a week, in three weeks, in six months, it happens slowly and gradually over time, then and only then can you really decide whether you have found a lifelong partner.
• right now, everything above is not what i am looking for right now, if it falls into my lap...wonderful, if not, wonderful. i just want to make up for lost time. i want to take time to figure out what i like, what i don't like. what is acceptable and what is not. i want to set standards and i want to be certain of my decisions and of myself. 
• i want to have lots of sex and learn what i like and sow my wild oats.
• i want to be the best version of me in mind, body, and soul. 
• i feel fresh, new, excited about what is next. 
• i like this. i can't go back, but i can go forward.

Air Bed & Breakfast
Instituo Cervantes 
El Dorado Children's Theatre 
Marshall Peforming Arts Conservatory 
Sports Mix Kids 

now i know what to do with all of those bottles.

You and I will never have a healthy relationship.

Change Yourself ~ Chris Pierce

i really don't know why i am even counting anymore because i am failing on every end. yesterday, i was doing a killer job, i didn't call, didn't text, did email, nada. i was killing this task! then come four o'clock he emails, asks if i want to come to his house for easter.

I  wanted to invite you (and turner if he’s with you) to the family’s festivities on Easter.  I’m not looking for an explanation if you don’t want to come, but I want you to feel like you’re part of a family on such a special day and I’m happy to share mine with you.  If you can great, if not, please don’t initiate a debate, okay.  Just let me know.

I replied, Thank you for the invite. I really appreciate it and appreciate you thinking of T and I. I think we are going to pass. Thank you, again.  

contact. great. so i got through that, easy enough, right? nope, i go to the Project New Day kickoff party and lo' and behold, he is there. it totally threw me way off, i couldn't regain my composure. my whole night, ruined. then i was telling people about it...not smart and very desperate looking. i need to grow up and stop doing that. my problems are mine, not everyone i run into or meet. i need to fix that. i also, at two in the morning today, that, the past is over, what we had then is no longer, the future is uncertain and unknown, all i know and have right this minute is today, and today he does not want to be with me. i need to continue to say that, to remember that i will see him places, that he may show up one day with someone, that no matter the reason for his appearance anywhere i am that i am not with him and he does not want to be with me. 

this morning, okay at three this morning, i wrote, him (i think a very well worded apology):

Hi, I want to apologize for last night.


I didn't expect to see you there and it really threw me off. I should have remained composed, greeted you, and not questioned why you were there, who invited you, or why you would attend the event. For one, it's not my concern and two we both have the liberty to be at events and enjoy them, whether or not both of us happen to be there. I'm sorry I made you feel you needed to leave, I'm sorry I wasn't a bigger person about the whole situation; I feel terrible.


Also, I should not have prodded you about whoever you see, it was some sick and cruel joke that girl played or something and again threw me completely off yet again and it hurt.


If we do happen to be at the same event, I vow to remain composed, be friendly, and be a big person about it.


Again, I apologize for the way I acted towards you; that will not happen again.

i feel very proud of it, i just wish i would have been able to act out what i apologized for. 

this morning, he also paid the almost $500 bill for the attorney that was ours. why do that? i wanted to do it, i wanted to blow him away, i wanted to impress him. 

i am confused, very confused, having a very confusing, difficult, and heartbreaking time with this. veronica believes that i need to just let him go, say that i don't want to be with him, ignore him, deal with him seeing someone else, get over it, take control, give up, that if we were ever to be together there is too much behind us to actually have a future, that i will get over it, that it is nothing, that i think i love him but i don't. 

i don't believe her. i don't believe her. i love him, i want to be with him, i think he is my one. and i don't know how to remedy the entire situation and move on. 

would you like you, if you met you?

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,

you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty;

to provide you with guidance and support;

to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,

because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

~ Unknown

today i received advice i didn't ask for, but found it was much needed, for work, for me, for life, for everything.

• be less abrasive
• don't let the anger in the back of your mind come out in your language
• be positive
• set a goal, write it down
• think about what you are going to say
• lose the attitude
• be positive
• be private
• be professional
• be open
• listen
• be aware of myself
• honey + vinegar
• understand your value
• learn to say 'f*#k you' without ever say 'f*#k you'
• come from the i want to help standpoint
• articulate
• be polite
• network
• be friendly
• be open
• everything you think, does not necessarily need to be said
• they're not dumb, you are acting silly

1. Treat people well.
2. Build community
3. Don't be protective of your resources
4. Seek out other inspiring work
5. Represent yourself accurately
6. Indulge in Obsessions (ah ha! take THAT everyone who pokes fun at my obsessiveness)
7. Invite rigor into your process
8. Find a good place to live, especially in NYC
9. Work with people you love being around & trust
10. Seek feedback; advice then listen to it
11. But we make the final decision
12. Do not envy what others have
13. Embrace each stage of development
14. Cultivate a sense of humor about self, work, & life
15. Take yourself seriously; honor the time we have to offer.

source

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

- Dr. Seuss

went to lunch today, was offered a job opportunity. interesting! do i give it a shot? do i go for it? what if i could get a pay raise, but not be able to do my marketing anymore? lots to think about, but such a compliment.

 

source

Buy

(which is actually day 2, but who's counting?)

well it's really early still, but so far so good. after the little email interchange yesterday i made no contact for the remainder of the day. i guess i should be happy about that, that i did it, but he did not contact me either, that fact is harder than anything to swallow. he does not want to talk to me, he is not interested.

so day 3 begins, harder than yesterday and not a likelihood that i'll hear from him today. it is so hard to digest that he is not interested in what i am doing, that he does not want an us anymore, he wants just him and to find someone else, that he does not want to be a part of it anymore, that he does not want me anymore.

what if this 30 days is just a sham and he ends up living in utter happiness with someone else? and i am just a foolish, foolish girl for hoping and believing it will work.

sad, today, and lost. sad and lost.