welcome back

i realize i have been out of sorts of the last couple of months, i think a large part of that is some shame, frustration, and disbelief of what was happening all around me and i think that i thought that if i wrote it all down then it was real, it was recorded, it was reality and, frankly, my reality really sucked and i didn't want it to be real. i didn't want my reality to exist and i was so ashamed that i was allowing it to exist and, not just exist, but that i was growing it and facilitating the existence and sustainment of it.

i think sometimes, i take that back, i know that sometimes you get caught in such a rut and it isn't that you want to be with the person you are with, stay where you are, or that you are at all happy where you are, you don't like the way things are, you just don't want them to change. change is scary, change is unpredictable, change is unknown, change is uncertain, change is different, and for all of those reasons, even in the most miserable of circumstances we stay because at the very least it is predictable and it is known.

i knew john would break up with me nearly every day, i knew that the light in my eyes had completely disappeared, i knew that i was completely and utterly unhappy and, that, my thirst for life had completely left me and all that was left was bitterness and anger.

so what did i do to find my thirst to rekindle the light? i have to say before i "list" everything that i did that, for much of it, i did not realize when i was doing it that i was beginning the healing process and i was beginning to get down to the bottom of me. note: i said the bottom of me, not the bottom of why my relationship didn't work, not the bottom of john, not the bottom of anything else.

it started slowly and unconsciously, then i harnessed it and made it my own.

~ i mourned and i grieved. for everyone this is completely different the time, the how, the place, but the key is to allow it to begin and then be in it, know that you are mourning and don't try to avoid it or stop it, live it. i know that might sound somewhat counterintuitive to getting "better," but i assure you that it needs to happen or the rest is just going through the motions. i literally laid on the couch and stared into the abyss for what seemed like eternity. i didn't do anything, i just thought and thought about what happened between john and i, what he did, what i did, how it happened, sometimes i wouldn't think at all i just laid there in my utter sadness. i forced myself to feel the sadness, to honestly hurt and realize the loss. if i can correctly remember, it was two weeks, two weeks of not going out, not drinking, not distracting, not adverting my attention, two weeks of pure sadness.

~ i got off of the couch. you read it, i got off of the couch. i didn't resolve to do any extraordinary feat, i resolved to get off of the couch. i resolved to take a small step to begin healing and recovery. i also slept, went to work, did everything that was necessary to living because, frankly, i already knew how to do all of that and it had to get done.

~ i spent time with my family. people seem to think that you have to be spilling your heart with your friends or family after a breakup, but just the very essence of spending time with your family was the important part. i went to lunch, i went to dinner, i went to their houses and hung out, i had them over, i went places with them. so much of their mere presence was healing, it doesn't have to be cryfest to be healing.

~ i clung to my friends. i went out with them, i had coffee with them, i had cocktails with them, i spent time with them, and when i did feel compelled i talked about how i felt, i asked the questions that they could not answer, but that i needed to verbalize, i did speak down about john, i just spoke, i expressed my loss, my confusion, my pain, my sadness.

~ i allowed myself to backslide. there were times i called, text, emailed john begging for another chance, trying to sell myself to him, trying to convince him to stay, trying to find closure. i think in a sort of way, this had to be done to, i had to give into the crazy a little bit, so that i could find my sanity.

~ i started seeing a therapist. it's not crazy, it's actually the sanest thing you can do. t.a.l.k. about it. don't just get a therapist that is going to listen to you drone on for hour after hour, get a therapist that is going to guide you to healing, get you do to the work, but the thing you have to be ready for is TO DO the work. you're just wasting time and money if you are not willing to work.

~ i decided to do something that i had never done before. for everyone this will be different; the only thing is it has to be difficult, it has to be a challenge, it can't be just visiting a new restaurant, it has to have tangible results. i decided to run a half-marathon in nine weeks time on january 16, 2011. running has always been my nemesis and i wanted to overcome, sort of in a way that if i could overcome and love running, i could overcome my pain and hurt and love my situation.

~ i practice mindfulness. in every moment, i try to be present in it. try it, sit and drink a cup of coffee or tea, don't think of anything else, just the taste, texture of the drink, the feel of the cup in your hand, the way the drink feels traveling down your esophogus. be there, be in that moment. if you can do the coffee mindfulness, you can do mindfulness.

~ lastly, be you. take risks. live. be here.