Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

~ Oprah Winfrey

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

~ Anonymous

True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.

~ Author Unknown

You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~ David Hawkins 

You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness.

~ Julia Roberts

goodbye my john, goodbye.

so i received john's answer, making it yet again very clear that there is no chance of us reuniting. so today is the day. I am not going to call him, write him, text him, interact with him for thirty days, starting right here, right now. day 2, here we go.

Right now is not the time to consider getting back together.  If it were I'd be all for it, but we were not working, I was not happy, and you didn't seem to be.  I am not changing my mind.  I still think highly of you and I appreciate you including me in turner's activities and hope you'll continue.  I wish things were different or had turned out different but they didn't.  We fought WITH each other we fought FOR each other and after two years we were still fighting, just not as much as before.  I wanted it to end completely with the exception of the occasional argument over something substantial.  So to be 100% honest, I have no intentions of getting back together.  I want to continue my relationship with turner and understand that may be hard for you.  IF it is, please let me have a night a week, or two nights a month with him where I can just take him to dions for some "guy" time and I'll be happy.  He's my boy and I cannot loose him.
 
I realize I'm going to get a response.  Please fight the urge to send multiple long e-mails.  If you're going to respond, save it up and send just one long e-mail because I promise you, I do not have time for a bunch of long e-mails.
 
I hope you have a really great day!  Truly!

hollin

Real Wedding: Sonya + Davey

 

fail.

first thing in the morning i contacted john. he responded nicely. he doesn't ever initiate the contact though. what does that mean? still no answer to yesterday's request. quite certain that the answer is still "no," heartbreakingly so. our relationship was like water, until it is gone, you never really know how much you need it. being with john, him being mine, me being his, seems like it was so long ago. i want it to be a reality again. how do i move on? somebody please tell me, how do i move on?

today i miss you. today i wish i was coming home to you and your arms. today i wish i could hold you. today i wish i could call you mine. today i wish i could kiss you. today i wish you were mine.

i am incredibly sad, quite close to tears. i would very much like you to be mine again. please come back to me.

i have a date next week, well a sort of date, a happy hour catch up. should i be doing this? is it too soon? how will i act? what will i say? is there any turning back afterward? i just want john, but it feels like he is gone, no longer mine. it makes me nauseous, it makes my stomach churn, and my heart ache. i am not comfortable, but i need to do this.

...and i want her name.

she had a face like she had been crushed but survived and squeezed every drop of compassion from her pain and painted it on her cheeks. she moved softly, without presumption. one would think that she was pliable ~ such softness carries with it weakness ~ her secret though, was behind her beautifully humble exterior was a strength that no on expected. 

~ Polly Pelly 

DIY Blueberry Jam (favors)

 

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Marry Me ~ Train

Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way
Marry Me
Today and every day
Marry Me
If I ever get the nerve to say
Hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love
And you're beautiful
Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way
Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies

And marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Marry me
Mm-hmm

More than a Man ~ Dave Barnes

I should first apologize
Cause I've done nothing but I'll do something
The good in me gets bad sometimes
But I don't mean it
I'll never mean it

Don't give up on me
Baby please believe

Cause I'll be more than a man for you
I'll do anything you ask me to
Heartache or heaven
Baby I will, pursue
More than a man for you

I'll try to name you deity
We all want something
I'm missing something
It Just explains the lack in me
Where I need you
And how I need you

So don't give up on me
Baby please believe

Cause I'll be more than a man for you
I'll do anything you ask me to
Heartache or heaven
Baby I will, pursue
More than a man

There's a war inside my
Heart and mind
Between the hope ahead and sin behind
All I ask, you believe in me

I should first apologize.

via Joanna Goddard Have you told bedtime stories lately? Pregnancy has made me super sleepy, and I've been conking out really early. So a little tradition has started, where Alex will put me to bed. After I brush my teeth, he'll say, “Ready for bed, baby?” and then come into the bedroom, lie down next to me (and my maternity pillow) and tell me funny stories about his childhood, early days in New York or old friends. I don't know how he comes up with them all (every single night!), but it's so cozy falling asleep listening to his deep voice and trying to stay awake to hear the ending. I love you, Alex.

Pinhole Press Holiday Cards

What is gain? Is gain financial, made of stocks and bonds? How do you define gain when everyone believes it is such a positive idea and concept? How do you learn to appreciate gain? The things I have gained I don’t want I want to give them right back to where they came from. I have gained the ability to care for and watch your dying sister knowing that there may not be tomorrow. I have gained the ability to throw up without regret and as quiet as a mouse. I have gained the tough skin to be called even the most atrocious of names and stay. I have gained the knowledge of fighting to keep your child when being a mother is the only thing you’ve have ever really been good at. I have gained the ability to shut the entire world out because the one’s that weren’t supposed to betray you, did. I have gained the power to make someone stay in a place where they are absolutely miserable. I have gained the insecurities that only come from the lowest view of self. I have gained the belief that I am all of those things that I am all of those atrocious things. I have gained the mindset that I am without value. I have gained the power of convincing myself that I don’t deserve the only thing that I really want-happiness. I have gained the ability to replay the faces and words that hurt the most, like a repeating record, and I have gained the ability to believe every look of disdain, every single word that hurts and I let it hurt endlessly.

I don’t like these words or these concepts these losses and gains, yet I cling to them and see everything this way. You are probably thinking, but the experience, oh, the journey is the reward, if so please divulge because my experiences are terrible and my regrets often and huge.

How do you remain fighting when concession is safer? Giving up makes you not responsible for results. Giving up makes you need less energy everyday. Giving up fulfills your self-destructive prophecy. Giving up hurts less. Giving up requires less of you. Fighting has brought sorrow, pain; it has cost dearly, you aren’t going to fight anymore I like giving up. My efforts have not paid off…continuation is insanity.

I hear the words again and again:

• “I really care for you but I don’t love you, you are unlovable.”
• “You aren’t wife material you are divorce material.”
• “You are a vile, vile beast. I hope you die.”
• “You are a cheating fucking whore.”
• “I’ll give you $200 if you take her back to the hotel with you.”
• “You go away you fucking cunt, you aren’t invited anymore you fucking cunt.”
• “I just told Jason I am going to be his wing man.”
• “Don’t fucking touch me or I’ll embarrass you in front of everybody, don’t you fucking touch me.”
• “If you fucking touch me I’ll move to the next table.”
• “You had no right throwing a fit to my little brother about a family picture. You aren’t even a part of this family. I blame you for all of this.”
• This evening is supposed to be about Thomas and Amee and you and John better cut this petty shit.”
• “I remember this, she isn’t as bad as Heidi, but I know what it is like.”

I have heard so much that “You don’t make me happy” that “I am so unhappy with you” and I haven’t once asked myself if I am at all happy. There are fleeting thoughts that resonate of unhappiness, but never a true question, never a true journey like I said this isn’t a journey of hope and discovery.

Composed July 2009

It is 7:00am, we don’t sleep in around here, John is awake early, Turner wakes early, and a little one kicking inside of me keeps me up frequently. We used to get frustrated with being up at the crack of dawn, but now we don’t just accept it, we relish in it. I have white summery pajamas on, my hair is fairly long (at least longer than it has been in a long time) and brown. I wake and look over at my John laying there in his underwear (it’s white too), he smiles at me and asks me how I slept, if the baby kicked a lot during the night, then he places his hand on my belly. I feel at peace, inside of my heart, in my soul, laying in my white room with a wall of windows looking out at the porch.

A sweet and boisterous little man quickly breaks our silence; the most amazing creature I have ever met. His hair is brown, darker and thicker now that he is a bit older and his skin is that amazing summer olive that it turns. He has car pajamas on and the shorts are a bit crooked from rolling around in his bed all night, my Turner. He jumps onto the bed, somehow always right onto John’s stomach, and puts his ears on my belly and asks why the baby doesn’t talk to him, and when is she going to come out, and how come she is taking so long.

After lounging in bed listening to Turner’s extraordinary dream stories, we roll ourselves out of bed. We decide pancakes and eggs are on the menu for breakfast today. We migrate to the kitchen and I start to make my coffee as I am reminded that I better make that cup last all day. Turner has already put his goulashes on and is outside exploring in the huge yard, still in his pajamas. I watch Turner from the window and John begins making the pancakes. As he makes the pancakes he tells the baby that he is a pancake genius and that she’ll love his pancakes and that her momma is not a cook, so she better love the pancakes. I tell her that isn’t true; I just can’t follow recipes well. After beckoning Turner for the fifth time he finally arrives back inside, there is music playing in the background, the lights are off because the sun is so bright, we all sit down and began serving ourselves. Turner slaps three too many pancakes down on his plate and I ask after he is done with the syrup if he would like any pancakes with his syrup, he responds by putting more syrup on his plate. He asks me if the baby wants some syrup. This is our Saturday morning, this is our life.


In the stillness of this chaos, I close my eyes and take a deep breath and grab John’s hand. In this moment I smile, a true smile, my life has truly begun, my soul is whole, my heart in peace, and I am happy.


Composed June 2009

never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Cupcake liner garland tutorial

 

the book i foolishly bought online yesterday for a too much price of $39, the purchase a complete display of my desperation, says to not talk to john in any way, shape, or form for 30 days. 30 days seems like a death sentence, 30 days seems like he will most definitely find love or happiness in that time, 30 days seems like he will forget me, he says 30 days will bring him back to me. i don't know how to do this, i am addicted to talking to him. even though he is very likely sleeping with another woman, he had her to his house. 30 days. how. am. i. going. to. do. this?

how sexy is this?

at trader's joes the other day i decided to buys some flowers to brighten my home and possibly my mood. at the register the cashier asked me who the flowers were for, i, of course, said me, and he said no, they are from me, I am going to buy you these flowers. i was so shocked, he told me that a woman should never have to buy herself flowers. i told him that he truly made my day. :-)

DIY fabric flowers by Michonne

 

there is a huge difference between loving the idea of someone and actually loving who they really are.

there are too many times where i, in any situation, believe that things are happening to me. john being depressed or working long hours are not things that are happening to me, they are just happening. when i looked through the lens of happening to me, everything seemed so person. these were things that were happening to john, like depression, not happening to me. i needed to be there and supportive and positive, instead of seeing it as something that was such an inconvenience to me or a reflection of me. john working long hours in the nature of his business, true i was not getting as much time as i may have wanted to get with him, but this was happening because of work to john, not to me. 

goal: identify and understand that somethings just happen and they are not personal or aimed at me, by virtue of knowing someone or being in their life i know about, but rather than take it personally, i need to recognize the effects of it on the person it is actually happening to. i need to find ways to help them get through what is happening to them, not force additional stress on them because i have the incorrect perception of the situation.

I want to ask you if there is ANY way, ANY way at all we can be us again? We have built up so much and created a life together, it seems like it is worth so much more to stay than to walk away. We love each other, we fought for each other and us, we were making substantial progress, think of how much we fought before and how much we were fighting then, a huge difference. I am not saying negate my mistake, I am not making promises in vain. I am saying, please forgive me for my irresponsible misstep. Please try to look past it. We were working and in many ways repairing the bad in our relationship to, like you said, buy another week, or month, or even forever. I know and take full responsibility for that evening. Not that one justifies another, I am not saying that, but there are times where drunkenness, medical issues (depression, moods), among other things caused issues and extreme fights and hurting for the both of us, but we identified them and repaired them. I am not asking you to forget how I acted, I am asking you to please come back to me. I was drunk and I was off my medicine. I acted completely out of line and unacceptably. It doesn’t mean that the “old Alicia” is back, she is buried, she truly is and to keep her buried I do everything I can. I am on meds, I am in a specialized therapy to deal with those specific issues. I am not pointing fingers please know that, the other night when I mentioned your birthday and how it felt like you didn’t enjoy it and like I couldn’t get you to enjoy it, you said, I have a problem and right after that I went and got help, I am getting help. We both knew that something was going on and something was wrong, but it took one event to really shine a light on it. Even with the wedding, even though you said that I should have left then, it was alcohol that exacerbated the situation, you realized it, I realized it and I decided that, because we identified it and vowed to make it better, that everything else that we had was more than worth staying for. That night I was irresponsible, ignorantly thought that being off of my meds for one week wouldn’t make a difference, but it did, then add alcohol to that (even on meds is a bad idea) and I was a disaster. Even before the end of the evening I realized the error of my ways and knew what I needed to do and I am doing it. I am back on my meds, even taking the anxiety meds more frequently, I am in EMDR therapy to deal with my past, the anger, and my wellbeing, I am going to meditation to be more calm and have more inward peace so I can outwardly remain calm and be more patient with everyone and everything, but especially Turner.

Please consider trying us again. Not for a three week change or a temporary fix, but for true and real repair and togetherness. I know, in my heart of hearts, that you are my true one and I know that there is more to fight for than worth letting go of. I want you to be a part of my life, I want you to be my partner, I want to have our family (you, me, and T) back together. I want to be a part of your life, I want to be your partner, your teammate. Is there any possible way? Any way we can possibly do us? Is there anyway, even start by going on a date? Is there any way at all or anything that I can do to change your mind?

I don’t mean to seem desperate, I am asking because I believe and in my heart of hearts I know. We are more together than apart, and we are more than that fight. Please consider, truly consider my request in your heart and please, if you can find it in you, say yes.   

I am sorry, I know you have a zillion things going on, this is really laying heavy on me and I needed to ask and request this.

If you, even though I dread it, say no, I apologize for asking again and need to find the ways to let go of you, please tell me how you are doing it. If you say no, I will stop asking and this truly will be the last time.

How are you doing this? What are you doing in your mental/emotional state that seems to make this so easy for you to stomach? Honestly, this physically hurts me and feels paralyzing and I can’t see the way to move forward or move on. I can only speak from my perspective, but it seems like this is all so easy for you, that you aren’t losing sleep, that you don’t hope I’ll contact you or fight yourself to contact me, that you don’t feel like anything is missing, that you don’t ever doubt your decision, that you aren’t missing me or feeling any sort of void without me, that you are able to to allow yourself to be attracted to others and feel ready and open to that. Please, honestly, tell me how you are doing it. Maybe you are feeling one or some of those things, but how are you able to not contact me, not want to talk about it, not feel regret or remorse? I truly want to know because if I can find ANYTHING to do, ANYTHING at all that will make me feel less I am willing to try it. I am not pointing a finger, saying this man clearly has no heart if he doesn’t feel compelled to do these things, I am truly asking how you are doing this.

I am tired of painful tears and long nights filled with distraction and hurt. I am tired of the lull of us and the boredom you seem to feel. I am tired of living in the past and being on the brink of tears. I am tired of staying stagnant and not moving forward. I am tired of depression and heartache. I am tired of piercing words that never go away and hurt and disdain I hide inside. I am tired of being half here and half there. I am tired of bags under my eyes and restlessness. I am tired of being put on the chopping block and being told that I take advantage of people. I am tired of complaining and being beat up. I am tired of sadness and not wanting to be awake. I am tired of being on the sidelines of my own life. I am tired of hanging on your every word to find my worth. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough and easily dispensed of. I am tired of discomfort and disdain. I am tired of not being trusted and resented. I am tired of being blamed and of beating myself up.  I am tired of watching everyone else start their lives and feeling like I want to finish mine. I am tired of unhappiness and etching terrible into my life. I am tired of threats of loss and uncertainty. I am tired of staying and not having the dignity to walk away. I am tired of my feelings and opinions being unacceptable and the reverse a free for all of pain. I am tired of sad songs being my biography and tired of nightmares. I am tired of being doomed. I am tired of tainted and ruined memories.

I want to cry tears of joy and have nights filled with love and compassion. I want to feel those butterflies again and even in the silence never feel bored. I want to start my future right here right now and be on the brink of happy tears. I want to get on the move and fulfill my dreams. I want to wake and sleep with happiness and contentment. I want loving words that penetrate to the depths of my heart. I want to sing my love from the rooftops. I want to be all here, all in right now. I want to see light in my eyes and feel comfort. I want to feel secure and to know safety. I want to feel true happiness and love to be awake. I want to be an active participant in my life. I want to have humble self-confidence. I want to know that I am enough and priceless.  I want exhilaration and contentment. I want to be trusted and valued. I want to make mistakes and make them better and move on. I want to start my life, every single part of it, two feet in. I want promises and certainty. I want to know when to stay and when to go and have the gumption to take action. I want express my feelings and have my opinions respected and to return the favor. I want to relate to love songs and have blissful dreams. I want to be on my way. I want happiness when I reminisce.

Composed August 2009

hearing i love you KISSES blissful dreams PIE belly-laughter ANTIQUE STORES my son HOT COFFEE marjolines YELLOW touches MAKING LOVE shoes FOOT RUBS smiles LICORICE lazy sundays BAGELS weddings PHOTOGRAPHS long walks FUTURE eye shadow ROMANCE breakfast for dinner FRIENDS edamame SUSHI little feet YOGA that baby smell PONDERING good pair of jeans PLUMS Turner singing abc’s HANDS that extra ten minutes SMELL OF COFFEE red LOVE SONGS picking wedding songs TRUENESS quotes FAMILY a good cry LIGHT origami TENDERNESS white wine BAREFOOT singapore sling HAIRCUTS hand-clapping REMINISCING uniqueness SEXY PANTIES unexpected generosity SINCERITY understanding VINTAGE ANYTHING flea markets PRETTY FOOD sailor style A GOOD READ the east coast HUSTLE AND BUSTLE quiet CHAOS pumpkin carving FALL LEAVES old homes CHANEL pencil skirts HAND HOLDING name choosing CARMEL APPLES longing BUTTON NOSES art FRIENDS sprinklers HAMMOCKS sleeping in ANNIVERSARIES harvest festivals LILY PADS frog catching BUTTERFLY CHASING earthworms BOOKS coffee cups INSPIRATION creativity LETTERPRESS tenderness KISSES appreciation TURNER TALK hope LOVE LETTERS cool sheets MORNING unspoken languages LOCAL SHOPS closeness TOUCHING flying PARKS rain KISSES ON MY BACK babies WASSLE snow MITTENS love RINGS loyalty SOFT BLANKETS smell of cut grass TENDERNESS film WRITING touch CARDS design HUGS genuine affection BEACH CRUISERS sound of laughter HEARING I LOVE YOU bed and breakfast TULIPS mason jars SWEET TEA certainty EXHILARATION values SAND DOLLARS traveling FAIRY LIGHTS snug as a bug