a request to john

I want to ask you if there is ANY way, ANY way at all we can be us again? We have built up so much and created a life together, it seems like it is worth so much more to stay than to walk away. We love each other, we fought for each other and us, we were making substantial progress, think of how much we fought before and how much we were fighting then, a huge difference. I am not saying negate my mistake, I am not making promises in vain. I am saying, please forgive me for my irresponsible misstep. Please try to look past it. We were working and in many ways repairing the bad in our relationship to, like you said, buy another week, or month, or even forever. I know and take full responsibility for that evening. Not that one justifies another, I am not saying that, but there are times where drunkenness, medical issues (depression, moods), among other things caused issues and extreme fights and hurting for the both of us, but we identified them and repaired them. I am not asking you to forget how I acted, I am asking you to please come back to me. I was drunk and I was off my medicine. I acted completely out of line and unacceptably. It doesn’t mean that the “old Alicia” is back, she is buried, she truly is and to keep her buried I do everything I can. I am on meds, I am in a specialized therapy to deal with those specific issues. I am not pointing fingers please know that, the other night when I mentioned your birthday and how it felt like you didn’t enjoy it and like I couldn’t get you to enjoy it, you said, I have a problem and right after that I went and got help, I am getting help. We both knew that something was going on and something was wrong, but it took one event to really shine a light on it. Even with the wedding, even though you said that I should have left then, it was alcohol that exacerbated the situation, you realized it, I realized it and I decided that, because we identified it and vowed to make it better, that everything else that we had was more than worth staying for. That night I was irresponsible, ignorantly thought that being off of my meds for one week wouldn’t make a difference, but it did, then add alcohol to that (even on meds is a bad idea) and I was a disaster. Even before the end of the evening I realized the error of my ways and knew what I needed to do and I am doing it. I am back on my meds, even taking the anxiety meds more frequently, I am in EMDR therapy to deal with my past, the anger, and my wellbeing, I am going to meditation to be more calm and have more inward peace so I can outwardly remain calm and be more patient with everyone and everything, but especially Turner.

Please consider trying us again. Not for a three week change or a temporary fix, but for true and real repair and togetherness. I know, in my heart of hearts, that you are my true one and I know that there is more to fight for than worth letting go of. I want you to be a part of my life, I want you to be my partner, I want to have our family (you, me, and T) back together. I want to be a part of your life, I want to be your partner, your teammate. Is there any possible way? Any way we can possibly do us? Is there anyway, even start by going on a date? Is there any way at all or anything that I can do to change your mind?

I don’t mean to seem desperate, I am asking because I believe and in my heart of hearts I know. We are more together than apart, and we are more than that fight. Please consider, truly consider my request in your heart and please, if you can find it in you, say yes.   

I am sorry, I know you have a zillion things going on, this is really laying heavy on me and I needed to ask and request this.

If you, even though I dread it, say no, I apologize for asking again and need to find the ways to let go of you, please tell me how you are doing it. If you say no, I will stop asking and this truly will be the last time.