loss

i have a feeling of loss right now. i met john for lunch, don't ask my why i continue these relationship cultivation efforts, it's painful and gives me false hope and it's just plain silly.

he said that he is completely satisfied, that he truly believes he is fixed, that he is happy. i don't know if i believe him, but he seemed, if not happy, very satisfied. he told me not to read into it, for me not to believe it was us, but how could this not happen with us, but happen outside of us. were we that toxic to each other that we prevented each other from such wonderful things as satisfaction and happiness? it was painful to hear, painful to hear that he is happy and satisfied, something that could never be attained within the confines of us. how is that? how could it not be us that was so preventative and toxic? how is it that i could not and did not have it in me to go to the gym, eat at all, make friends, believe in my beauty, inside and out, have friends, be calm, be patient, be optimistic, talk to my family while with him? were we holding each other back? he says that one day when i meet my "knight and shining armour" that i will thank him, like vickie thanks him now. how is it, even with all of the major growth and progress i have made, that i still want to be with him, that i still feel so attracted to him, that i still want only him, and believe that only he is the one for me?

what is it i need to do? do i need to continue to cultivate this whatever it is with him in hopes that it will bring us back together? do i truly and really cut off ties with him for a time so that i can truly discover and decide if i really want him, all of who he is? would anything really be different if we were together? would he trust me? would he blame me? would he take responsibility? would everything that i have done so far simply go to waste? would i like me anymore? was it because of him that i did not like me or was it because of me that i did not like me?

how is it, without any other changes, that he is fixed? that he is all better? i don't know if i am buying it, should i be buying it? how is it he is so indifferent towards us? am i okay? i'm certainly not indifferent, but what is it i am? i love him, but would i want to be with him? i don't know. we weren't happy together, but was that because we were not individually happy or were we not happy together so we could not be individually happy? answers! i need answers! at least i want them.

lunch didn't help at all, it didn't do anything, but hurt, cause pain, and make me feel confused and like it all was no good between us.