epiphanies

for the past month i have been in the deep of it, it the nitty gritty, in the dumps, in the darkness, and just when i thought it could not hurt more, it could not feel worse, there was a light. that's not to say, here i am the end of pain, the end of the tunnel, it is to say that i see the light and no amount of darkness can distinguish it.

so i have some epiphanies:

• the worst someone can tell me is no...i don't lose anything i didn't have with a no
• i am not looking for love, not looking for a husband, i am looking for interesting people, that i enjoy spending time with, and that are a killer lay
• there is a huge difference feeling in lust and enamored and actually being and feeling love. the lust fades, the enamored is just excitement. a true, real relationship can only happen with true self-awareness of who you are, then a true and real understanding of the other person, and that can't happen in a week, in three weeks, in six months, it happens slowly and gradually over time, then and only then can you really decide whether you have found a lifelong partner.
• right now, everything above is not what i am looking for right now, if it falls into my lap...wonderful, if not, wonderful. i just want to make up for lost time. i want to take time to figure out what i like, what i don't like. what is acceptable and what is not. i want to set standards and i want to be certain of my decisions and of myself. 
• i want to have lots of sex and learn what i like and sow my wild oats.
• i want to be the best version of me in mind, body, and soul. 
• i feel fresh, new, excited about what is next. 
• i like this. i can't go back, but i can go forward.