nightmares and uncertainty

last night i had the worst dream and the worst part about it it seemed like it could be a reality. for whatever reason john and i were at dinner with some people and steve radolinski was there talking about a lisa leonard necklace that i had told him about. john wanted to know when i had told steve about those necklaces, he was livid. i tried to let it go and not talk to him about it and told jen about it, she said she would talk to him, i hadn't heard anything so i went to john's at like 3:30am. he opened the door, i went in and he got back in bed, when i saw a bra on the bed i asked if it was mine, then he shined the light on the other side of his bed and there was jennifer, there she was. they had slept together and he told me "now we're even." I was sobbing, literally sobbing, and all they did was stare at me and do nothing. i started running down the stairs, john started running down the other stairs, he caught me before i could get out of the building and started yelling at me. i woke up sobbing, sobbing and even now, hours later, i haven't been able to shake it and i don't like it very much. i am so angry, and it only adds to everything i feel about last weekend, about john and i not being together.

i want to be with john, i want him to be mine, and if he doesn't want that i need to find a way for the pain to subside. i need to.