how do you describe loss

What is gain? Is gain financial, made of stocks and bonds? How do you define gain when everyone believes it is such a positive idea and concept? How do you learn to appreciate gain? The things I have gained I don’t want I want to give them right back to where they came from. I have gained the ability to care for and watch your dying sister knowing that there may not be tomorrow. I have gained the ability to throw up without regret and as quiet as a mouse. I have gained the tough skin to be called even the most atrocious of names and stay. I have gained the knowledge of fighting to keep your child when being a mother is the only thing you’ve have ever really been good at. I have gained the ability to shut the entire world out because the one’s that weren’t supposed to betray you, did. I have gained the power to make someone stay in a place where they are absolutely miserable. I have gained the insecurities that only come from the lowest view of self. I have gained the belief that I am all of those things that I am all of those atrocious things. I have gained the mindset that I am without value. I have gained the power of convincing myself that I don’t deserve the only thing that I really want-happiness. I have gained the ability to replay the faces and words that hurt the most, like a repeating record, and I have gained the ability to believe every look of disdain, every single word that hurts and I let it hurt endlessly.

I don’t like these words or these concepts these losses and gains, yet I cling to them and see everything this way. You are probably thinking, but the experience, oh, the journey is the reward, if so please divulge because my experiences are terrible and my regrets often and huge.

How do you remain fighting when concession is safer? Giving up makes you not responsible for results. Giving up makes you need less energy everyday. Giving up fulfills your self-destructive prophecy. Giving up hurts less. Giving up requires less of you. Fighting has brought sorrow, pain; it has cost dearly, you aren’t going to fight anymore I like giving up. My efforts have not paid off…continuation is insanity.

I hear the words again and again:

• “I really care for you but I don’t love you, you are unlovable.”
• “You aren’t wife material you are divorce material.”
• “You are a vile, vile beast. I hope you die.”
• “You are a cheating fucking whore.”
• “I’ll give you $200 if you take her back to the hotel with you.”
• “You go away you fucking cunt, you aren’t invited anymore you fucking cunt.”
• “I just told Jason I am going to be his wing man.”
• “Don’t fucking touch me or I’ll embarrass you in front of everybody, don’t you fucking touch me.”
• “If you fucking touch me I’ll move to the next table.”
• “You had no right throwing a fit to my little brother about a family picture. You aren’t even a part of this family. I blame you for all of this.”
• This evening is supposed to be about Thomas and Amee and you and John better cut this petty shit.”
• “I remember this, she isn’t as bad as Heidi, but I know what it is like.”

I have heard so much that “You don’t make me happy” that “I am so unhappy with you” and I haven’t once asked myself if I am at all happy. There are fleeting thoughts that resonate of unhappiness, but never a true question, never a true journey like I said this isn’t a journey of hope and discovery.

Composed July 2009