where i am

I am tired of painful tears and long nights filled with distraction and hurt. I am tired of the lull of us and the boredom you seem to feel. I am tired of living in the past and being on the brink of tears. I am tired of staying stagnant and not moving forward. I am tired of depression and heartache. I am tired of piercing words that never go away and hurt and disdain I hide inside. I am tired of being half here and half there. I am tired of bags under my eyes and restlessness. I am tired of being put on the chopping block and being told that I take advantage of people. I am tired of complaining and being beat up. I am tired of sadness and not wanting to be awake. I am tired of being on the sidelines of my own life. I am tired of hanging on your every word to find my worth. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough and easily dispensed of. I am tired of discomfort and disdain. I am tired of not being trusted and resented. I am tired of being blamed and of beating myself up.  I am tired of watching everyone else start their lives and feeling like I want to finish mine. I am tired of unhappiness and etching terrible into my life. I am tired of threats of loss and uncertainty. I am tired of staying and not having the dignity to walk away. I am tired of my feelings and opinions being unacceptable and the reverse a free for all of pain. I am tired of sad songs being my biography and tired of nightmares. I am tired of being doomed. I am tired of tainted and ruined memories.

I want to cry tears of joy and have nights filled with love and compassion. I want to feel those butterflies again and even in the silence never feel bored. I want to start my future right here right now and be on the brink of happy tears. I want to get on the move and fulfill my dreams. I want to wake and sleep with happiness and contentment. I want loving words that penetrate to the depths of my heart. I want to sing my love from the rooftops. I want to be all here, all in right now. I want to see light in my eyes and feel comfort. I want to feel secure and to know safety. I want to feel true happiness and love to be awake. I want to be an active participant in my life. I want to have humble self-confidence. I want to know that I am enough and priceless.  I want exhilaration and contentment. I want to be trusted and valued. I want to make mistakes and make them better and move on. I want to start my life, every single part of it, two feet in. I want promises and certainty. I want to know when to stay and when to go and have the gumption to take action. I want express my feelings and have my opinions respected and to return the favor. I want to relate to love songs and have blissful dreams. I want to be on my way. I want happiness when I reminisce.

Composed August 2009